Confidence and Self Doubt

The Big Picture

Most of these conversations treat confidence as something that follows action and evidence, not a feeling you wait for [2][8]. On The Mel Robbins Podcast, Dr. Julie Smith says that each time you get through something, "your brain clocks another bit of evidence" that you can survive, and confidence becomes a byproduct of repetition [2]. On the Lex Fridman Podcast, John Danaher says, "Confidence doesn't come from words, it comes from accumulated skills" that have produced successful performances under similar conditions [8]. A Mel Robbins Podcast episode on self-doubt says you never lose confidence; you only stop trying [1].

They are less united on self-doubt itself. On The School of Greatness, Howes calls self-doubt the killer of dreams, and guest Amy Cuddy reframes it as personal powerlessness [3]. When Howes tells Kelly McGonigal his mission is to help people eliminate self-doubt, she replies that it is not hers and that self-doubt can be a gift [4].

Where the Experts Agree

• Confidence is built by doing. Dr. Julie Smith ties it to repetition [2]. Danaher compares it to confidence that the sun will rise tomorrow, a rational reflection on past experience, and his method is progressive resistance [8]. Mel Robbins prescribes 100 days of the boring, daily reps that success actually requires [6]. The episode on five confidence tips lists preparation, and treating every failure as preparation, among its tools [1].
• Uncomfortable feelings can be useful signals. Robbins reframes envy of someone irritating, being exposed, and being told you're selling yourself short as teachers rather than threats [6]. The five-tips episode says imposter syndrome means you're growing [1]. Dr. Julie Smith reframes cringing at your past as a sign of progress [2]. On Huberman Lab, Sam Harris agrees that anger and fear are useful salience cues but rarely the state you want while dealing with an emergency [7].
• Start small. McGonigal suggests lowering your standards: make one choice today that fits the vision, and let that build an upward spiral [4]. Dr. Julie Smith's real-time tool for uncertainty is to narrow your focus to the next couple of steps [2]. Robbins's example is to spend 15 minutes shooting threes for 100 days [6].
• Real confidence can hear feedback. Cuddy calls arrogance a smoke screen for insecurity, whereas confidence leaves room to be wrong and to hear feedback [3]. Robbins's prescription includes admitting what you don't know, asking for help and listening to people who see more in you [6].
• The inner voice should be honest and kind. Dr. Julie Smith says elite athletes do not hire a bully as a coach; they hire someone who believes in their potential and delivers honesty with kindness [2]. The common thread of Robbins's three triggers is honesty with yourself [6].

Where They Differ

• Eliminate self-doubt or use it. Howes wants to help people eliminate it [4]. McGonigal says that rather than convincing herself she is adequate, she thinks about the best possible outcome and tells herself "I'm willing to take a risk" [4]. Jamie Kern Lima is candid about the doubt that remains even after the sale of her company [5].
• Words and mindset or skill. Danaher estimates 95% of what he teaches is physical skill and has never been impressed by sports psychologists' motivational speeches or highlight reels [8]. Others lean on inner tools: Dr. Julie Smith's question "what would a coach say to me right now?" [2], and the five-second rule and an alter ego from the five-tips episode [1].
• Trusting yourself or checking with others. Kern Lima says she kept checking her gut and trusted it over experts, and her view is that the win is learning to trust yourself [5]. Robbins tells listeners to ask for help and listen to people who see more in them [6], and Cuddy treats openness to feedback as the mark of confidence without arrogance [3].
• A stronger self or less self. Danaher rejects the cliché about leaving your ego at the door: "If you want to be good at anything in life, you got to have an ego" [8]. The Huberman Lab conversation with Harris describes a different goal: an invulnerability that comes from no longer defending a self rather than from being well defended [7]. Cuddy adds a caution about power: as people gain social power and depend less on others, they get worse at taking others' perspectives [3].
• Anger as fuel. Robbins says, "Anger is the shot in the ass that you need" [6]; Harris agrees anger is a useful salience cue but says it is rarely the state you want while dealing with an emergency [7].

Practical Takeaways

• Commit to 100 days of boring, daily reps, in the way Robbins suggests 15 minutes of shooting threes [6].
• When your inner critic starts, ask, "what would a coach say to me right now?" [2].
• When everything feels uncertain, narrow your focus to the next couple of steps [2].
• Make one choice today that fits what you care about, and plan ahead for the most tired, tempted version of yourself [4].
• Instead of trying to feel adequate, picture the best possible outcome and tell yourself you are willing to take a risk [4].
• Check that your words and your body say the same thing; Cuddy says we forget everything below the neck [3].
• Admit what you don't know and ask for help [6].
• Do not let a no become personal [5].

Sources

1. Stop Doubting Yourself: 5 Tips to Boost Your Confidence · The Mel Robbins Podcast
2. If You’re Feeling Uncertain or Anxious, You Need to Hear This · The Mel Robbins Podcast
3. Amy Cuddy on Personal Power, Postural Feedback and Reframing Anxiety · The School of Greatness
4. The Positive Side of Stress & the Science of Self-Control with Kelly McGonigal · The School of Greatness
5. How to Overcome Self-Doubt & Rejection to Build a Billion Dollar Brand with Jamie Kern Lima · The School of Greatness
6. Mel Robbins on the 3 Triggers That Can Teach You to Stop Doubting Yourself · The Mel Robbins Podcast
7. Sam Harris on Meditation, the Illusion of the Self, Free Will, Psychedelics and Quitting Twitter · Huberman Lab
8. John Danaher on Rebuilding His Team for ADCC 2022, Gordon Ryan's Greatness, Confidence, Animal Combat and Knives · Lex Fridman Podcast

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