The Big Picture
These conversations treat identity as something built and revisable, not fixed [3][7]. James Hollis says humans are narrative animals, so the story we absorb from our culture and family of origin becomes our sense of self, and that sense of self is provisional and fluid [7]. Lewis Howes describes the same thing from experience: if your identity is that you are never good enough, your brain looks for evidence to confirm it, and holding on to an old identity is a way of controlling who you are allowed to become [3]. Adam Grant's message is that staying stuck is less about intelligence than about identity, because when opinions become who we are, changing them feels like a loss [2].
The conversations also explain when identity moves [1][5]. The episode with Katy Milkman says that at chapter breaks in life we feel a shift in identity that lets us separate ourselves from past failures [1]. Maya Shankar's case is that an unwanted change is frightening largely because we judge it with the mind and identity we have now, and both will be different on the other side [5]. Alia Crum adds that beliefs are filtered interpretations of reality, and that mindsets can be changed on purpose [6].
Where the Experts Agree
- Identity is a story, and stories can be retold. Hollis says the story we absorb becomes who we think we are at any moment [7]. Howes used to tell his past as a victim and now tells it as something he overcame and gained wisdom from [3]. Milkman describes people saying, in effect, that the old me couldn't do it, but this is the new me [1].
- Beliefs fused with identity are hard to see past. Grant says changing opinions that have become who we are feels like a loss [2]. Shankar describes a 1950s study in which loyal fans of opposing football teams judged the same controversial referee calls in their own team's favor, believing they were simply reporting what they saw [4]. Crum says you can find evidence for a mindset either way [6], and Howes says the brain looks for evidence to confirm an identity [3].
- Tying identity to one thing is risky. Shankar advises loosening identity from any single role by asking why you loved it [5]. Grant's alternative is to anchor identity in a few values and in being a learner, and to hold opinions as hypotheses [2].
- Mindsets have real effects. Milkman cites a study by Alia Crum and Ellen Langer in which hotel housekeepers told that their daily work met recommended exercise guidelines showed health improvements, such as weight loss and better blood pressure, compared with a group that was not told [1]. In Crum's episode, believing you are in good hands and that an illness won't kill you is said to suggest mechanisms such as reduced anxiety through which blood pressure might improve [6].
- Old patterns return under pressure. Hollis describes what Jung called complexes, charged clusters of energy that take over the ego when triggered, and says no one wakes up planning to repeat the same self-defeating behavior, but there's a good chance they will [7]. Howes stresses learning to regulate emotions when old triggers come up, which takes practice and repetition [3].
Where They Differ
The speakers largely agree, but they pull in different directions on a few points [1][2][3][5].
Say it out loud, or keep it quiet? Howes says to tell a new story about yourself out loud until you believe it [3]. Grant says decades of evidence suggest public commitments help people follow through, but he cites Peter Gollwitzer's finding that announcing an identity goal such as becoming a vegetarian can make people less likely to follow through, because they collect the credit without doing the work [2]. Howes's own caveat narrows the gap: identity shifts, he says, happen through action, not intention alone [3].
How big a step? Howes says to start making the decisions the newer version of you would make before you feel ready [3]. For changes you want to make, Shankar's advice is to start absurdly small and shape the endings [5].
What triggers a shift? Howes suggests that big breakdowns, like a loss or a near-death experience, often drive change; Milkman says survey research suggests such shocks create identity shifts through the same mechanism, but positive milestones can too [1].
How much the science knows. Milkman says research has not yet wrapped its arms around identity as well as she would like, and that mindset work is the closest rigorous evidence [1]. Hollis distinguishes the ego, the small cluster of conscious identity, from the Self with a capital S, which he calls a transcendent mystery [7].
Groups help and narrow. The Huberman Lab conversation with Shankar notes that like-minded groups help goal pursuit because you see peers fail and persist, but they can narrow thinking [4].
Practical Takeaways
- Ask of any mindset whether it is helpful or harmful, not whether it is right or wrong [6].
- Imagine how your beliefs would differ had you been born in another era, family or culture [4].
- Put a weekly note in your calendar asking what you should rethink, and keep a list of what would change your mind [2].
- When a role is lost, ask why you loved it, and remember the parts of life the change has not touched [5].
- Interrupt rumination by reframing, zooming out in time or speaking to yourself as a friend would [5].
- Make the decisions the newer version of you would make before you feel ready [3].
- For a change you want, start absurdly small and end each session well, such as a writing session with a favorite candy or a workout with a gentle cool-down [5].
- Seek out smart people you disagree with and study how they make their case [2].
Sources
- Dr. Katy Milkman on Why We Get Stuck and the Science of Lasting Change · The School of Greatness
- Positively Influence Others, Increase Mental Flexibility & Diversify Your Identity with Adam Grant · The School of Greatness
- Lewis Howes on the Five Things to Let Go Of So Life Starts Working · The School of Greatness
- Dr Maya Shankar How To Shape Your Identity Goals · Huberman Lab
- Dr. Maya Shankar on Rebuilding Your Identity When Life Changes Without Asking · The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Dr. Alia Crum on How Mindsets Shape Your Response to Food, Exercise, Stress, and Medicine · Huberman Lab
- Dr. James Hollis: How to Find Your True Purpose & Create Your Best Life · Huberman Lab
