The Big Picture
The guests in these conversations share a view of boundaries that surprises many people: a boundary is mostly about you. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, speaking with Lewis Howes, says a boundary is not only a rule for other people but also a commitment you keep with yourself [1]. Psychiatrist Paul Conti tells Andrew Huberman that "healthy boundaries always start inside" [3]. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, on The Mel Robbins Podcast, uses almost the same words about dealing with narcissistic people: "I always say it's an inside job" [2].
Where they diverge is on what to do next, and the answer depends heavily on who is on the other side. With a reasonable person, the advice is to say what you need, early and kindly [1][3][5]. With someone who uses your requests against you, the advice changes [2]. Research described by Dr. Leanne ten Brinke adds a complication: it is hard to tell at first which kind of person you are dealing with [4].
Where the Experts Agree
- Boundaries begin with self-knowledge. In Conti's example of a friend who walks into your house without knocking, the first step is to check with yourself whether the discomfort is reasonable, and settle that it doesn't make you a bad friend [3]. Dr. Becky Kennedy helps Huberman see that what he values is deep relationships, not instant text replies [5]. Tawwab treats a boundary as a commitment to yourself [1].
- Unspoken needs cause much of the trouble. Tawwab says so much relationship trouble comes down to things people never say out loud, and that most conflict is easier to handle when needs are voiced early, calmly and one at a time [1]. Kennedy suggests Huberman name his preference directly to friends so they can locate him, adding, "The more you can locate someone, the more you respect their boundaries" [5].
- Say it kindly. Conti's script is to tell the friend you care about and trust them but that walking in makes you nervous [3]. Kennedy told her own daughter that she loves being her mom and also loves time with her husband and other adults [5].
- The response tells you about the relationship. Conti says a healthy friend will apologize and adjust; if they get angry, that tells you something [3]. Durvasula describes a listener's mother who appears to accept a boundary, then rejects it hours later and punishes her daughter by cutting her off [2].
- Know where you end and the other person begins. Huberman describes a frame-separation exercise: after an emotional entanglement, list concrete ways you and the other person are distinct, such as where you live or what you're wearing. Kennedy likens people to eggs with shells, some very porous and some solid, and describes people who gaze out before they gaze in, spending more time in others' heads than in their own [5].
Where They Differ
Speak the boundary, or keep it to yourself. This is the sharpest contrast. Tawwab, Conti and Kennedy all favor telling people what you need [1][3][5]. Durvasula argues that with a narcissistic person this backfires: "setting boundaries with narcissistic people is akin to hugging a porcupine" [2]. Telling such a person not to raise a topic or not to do something invites them to do exactly that, because they learn it works on you, and it starts a power struggle that cannot be won. Her alternative is the internal boundary. You know which topics are off limits, so you do not raise them. You know they will be 25 minutes late to dinner, so you book a restaurant that seats incomplete parties and start eating [2].
The views are compatible if you read them as advice for different people. Conti's own example allows for both outcomes: if a kind request is met with anger, perhaps you just lock the door and keep the friendship, or perhaps you see a pattern of entitlement and envy and realize there is no "us" at all, which is how people can leave exploitative relationships [3].
Is quiet adjustment enabling? Durvasula rejects the idea that working around a difficult person is enabling [2]. Mel Robbins sums up her message as strategy and acceptance, illustrated by a woman who calmly told a hearing that alternate weekends would suit her, after which the husband backed away from his demand [2].
Can you tell who you are dealing with? Ten Brinke's contribution is a caution. The traits that cause problems later look attractive at first: in a study by Delroy Paulhus at UBC, the most narcissistic students in project groups were initially rated as agreeable, well adjusted and competent, and by week seven were seen as arrogant, hostile braggarts. Often only time reveals the real person [4]. She also separates grandiose narcissists, who become furious at failure, from vulnerable ones, who react strongly to rejection and may guilt-trip with "after everything I've done for you" [4].
Practical Takeaways
- Before raising a boundary, check with yourself that the discomfort is reasonable and that having it doesn't make you a bad friend [3].
- Voice needs early, calmly and one at a time [1].
- Pair the request with care: say you value the person, then say what bothers you [3].
- Tell people where you stand, for example that you value depth over quick replies, so they can locate you [5].
- With someone who punishes or tests every limit, stop announcing boundaries and plan around their behavior instead [2].
- After a tangled exchange, list concrete ways you and the other person are separate [5].
- Give new relationships time; first impressions of confident, polished people can reverse within weeks [4].
Sources
- Create Personal Freedom, Set Boundaries & Improve Your Relationship with Nedra Tawwab · The School of Greatness
- Don't Argue or Fight With a Difficult Person: Do This Instead (with #1 Narcissism Expert) · The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Dr Paul Conti How To Build And Maintain Healthy Relationships · Huberman Lab
- Dr. Leanne ten Brinke on Spotting Poisonous People: The Dark Tetrad, Manipulation and Gaslighting · The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Overcoming Guilt & Building Tenacity in Kids & Adults · Huberman Lab
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