Sexuality

The Big Picture

These four conversations approach sexuality from different directions: talk between partners [1], medicine and hormones [3], emotional intimacy and the body [4], and research [2]. On The School of Greatness, Dr. Emily Morse argues that a sexual problem left alone becomes the elephant in the room, and that people, women especially in her experience, blame themselves instead of asking [1]. On The Mel Robbins Podcast, Dr. Rachel Rubin says women's sexual health has been ignored, while urology has long treated men's sexual function and testosterone [3]. Dr. Laura Berman, also on The School of Greatness, says her own national research on the most sexually satisfied women found that the best predictor was the emotional intimacy and connection they felt with a partner [4].

On the Lex Fridman Podcast, Aella explains why sex is especially hard to study: sexual urges are elusive to introspection, and people tend to invent tidy childhood narratives to explain their fetishes [2].

Where the Experts Agree

• Each names concrete causes behind a sexual difficulty. Morse says the cause of fading desire often has little to do with the partner: work stress, not feeling good about yourself, hormones, childbirth, medication [1]. Rubin says that drier or more painful sex and orgasms that are slower or missing have a biological basis alongside any psychological one [3]. Berman says that when a woman is checked out during sex it is usually protective: vulnerability, inhibitions and stories about what nice girls do, or a history of trauma [4].
• Women are often left to explain problems away. Rubin reports that patients are told to drink a glass of wine, read an erotic novel, have more sex to fix painful sex, or accept that this part of life is over [3]. She urges women to notice whenever they tell themselves that something is just aging or just stress [3]. Morse, in her own experience, sees women especially blaming themselves instead of asking [1].
• Hormones are part of the picture. Morse lists hormones among the causes of fading desire [1]. Rubin insists hormones are neither good nor bad, and notes that the ovaries make estrogen, progesterone and testosterone [3].

Where They Differ

The guests do not contradict one another in these passages; they emphasise different things [1][2][3][4].

• Morse emphasises conversation. She says people get bored because they do not talk or vary anything, and resentments build [1]. In her experience, "couples who communicate about sex are actually a lot more satisfied" [1]. When Lewis asks for the main reason men stop wanting sex and the main reason women do, she says it does not divide on gender lines [1].
• Rubin emphasises medicine. She states that the word clitoris does not appear in what a gynecologist must know to finish training, and that the result is not bad doctors but untaught ones [3]. In her words, "Low libido is a medical condition if you are bothered by it" [3].
• Berman emphasises emotion and the body. She says the best predictor of satisfaction in her research was not orgasms or anything physical about a partner [4]. For a woman who is checked out during sex, her remedy is embodiment, and not starting in the bedroom [4]. She calls dissociation a beautiful coping strategy that lets people survive abuse, but one that can become their sexual script without their noticing [4].
• Aella emphasises inquiry. She argues, "I think like everybody can do science," and finds it sad that people treat science as the domain of credentialed experts [2]. If you are curious, she says, you can ask people questions, collect answers and learn to analyze the data [2].
• On desire itself, Morse says "there's always a high desire partner in every relationship and a lower desire partner," and that the roles can switch [1], while Rubin treats low libido as a medical condition when the person is bothered by it [3].

Practical Takeaways

• In the first months of dating, have the essential conversations about protection and testing, and ask the simple question: "how important is sex to you?" [1]
• Use the day after as a good time to ask a new partner what they liked [1].
• If a partner believes that talking about sex signals trouble, share something to listen to or read [1].
• When desire fades, consider work stress, how you feel about yourself, hormones, childbirth and medication [1].
• Watch for withholding sex as a weapon and for resentment; Morse says that once a couple reaches contempt it is hard to come back [1].
• Notice when you tell yourself that waking more at night to urinate, drier or more painful sex, slower or missing orgasms, or not feeling like yourself is just aging or just stress [3].
• Practise being in your body outside the bedroom: Berman demonstrates a deep breath in, then a hard breath out while relaxing the pelvic floor, and recommends body scans during the day [4].
• Learn where feelings tend to show up, as Berman teaches: fear as tightness in the stomach or chest, anger in the back, sadness in the throat or behind the eyes [4].

Sources

1. Create Intimacy & Upgrade Your Sex Life with Dr. Emily Morse · The School of Greatness
2. Aella on Sex Work, Fetish Surveys, Polyamory, Frame Control and Healing a Controlling Childhood · Lex Fridman Podcast
3. Dr. Rachel Rubin on Vaginal Hormones, UTIs, Testosterone and Women's Sexual Health · The Mel Robbins Podcast
4. How to Create a Lasting Relationship & Build Intimacy with Dr. Laura Berman · The School of Greatness

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