The Big Picture
Across these conversations, emotional regulation is treated less as getting rid of feelings and more as working skillfully with them. Ralph Adolphs, on Huberman Lab, argues that most emotional difficulties are about regulation rather than the emotions themselves. He stresses that emotions remain essential, citing Antonio Damasio's work showing that patients who lose emotional responsiveness after frontal lobe damage can't make complex life decisions [1]. Susan David makes a similar case on The School of Greatness, describing emotions as "data, not directives" that signpost our needs and values [5]. Marc Brackett, on both The Mel Robbins Podcast and Huberman Lab, places regulation inside a broader set of learnable emotional intelligence skills. He defines regulation as the thoughts and actions we use to prevent, reduce, initiate, maintain or boost emotions in service of our goals [2][4].
The guests also frame regulation as something that can be trained, and that is shaped by context. Adolphs says both specific strategies and the automaticity of control can be trained [1]. Ethan Kross says effective regulation requires both motivation, or goals, and tools [3]. Kross and Brackett both point to the social setting. Kross notes that culture, "from a university to a podcast team," shapes which emotions we value and how we regulate them [3]. Brackett's research suggests about two thirds of people say they cannot tell loved ones how they really feel, which is why he argues these skills need to be taught [2]. Kross and host Andrew Huberman also offer historical perspective. Earlier attempts to manage distress included trephination and the Nobel-winning frontal lobotomy, which had devastating side effects. Huberman argues that today's behavioral tools are far more specific and safe [3].
Where the Experts Agree
- Emotions are useful, not the enemy. Adolphs ties emotional responsiveness to good decision-making [1]. David treats feelings as signals about what we care about [5]. For example, boredom at work suggests you value learning and growth and aren't getting enough of it [5].
- Naming emotions precisely helps. Adolphs calls emotional granularity, a concept pioneered by Lisa Feldman Barrett, the first regulation skill. It means how finely you can tell your emotions apart [1]. Brackett likewise emphasizes granularity and "labeling" in his RULER framework, distinguishing anger from disappointment and stress from anxiety or envy [4].
- Suppression and self-criticism backfire. Adolphs warns that repeatedly telling yourself you don't want to feel sad can make you sadder [1]. Brackett lists avoidance (including suppression and denial), eating and drinking, and negative self-talk as common unhelpful strategies [2]. Mel Robbins names her own habit of telling herself she shouldn't feel what she feels [2].
- Regulation is a skill, not a fixed trait. Brackett treats emotional intelligence as a set of discrete skills rather than a single trait, and separates it from personality traits like introversion [4]. Adolphs and Kross both describe strategies that can be trained and paired with goals [1][3].
- Even experts struggle. Brackett admits he gets mean when triggered, despite directing an emotional intelligence center [2]. Kross describes having intrusive dark thoughts, which he says are near universal [3].
Where They Differ
The guests largely agree, but they emphasize different things. Adolphs focuses on timing. His main principle is that the earlier you intervene, the better, and he calls situational avoidance the earliest intervention of all [1]. Brackett, by contrast, lists avoidance (in the sense of suppression and denial) as an unhelpful strategy [2]. These positions aren't necessarily contradictory. Adolphs means structuring your environment so you don't end up in triggering situations, while Brackett's concern is avoiding or denying feelings once they arise. Still, avoidance clearly helps in one sense and harms in the other.
Their views on cognitive tools also vary. Adolphs calls cognitive reappraisal a "double-edged sword" [1]. Brackett lists reframing and distancing among regulation strategies worth discussing [4]. David's focus is less on specific techniques than on flexibility. She describes how people get "hooked" under stress and ambiguity, becoming insensitive to context and narrowing into rigidity. Her answer is gentleness toward ourselves amid inevitable change [5].
Finally, Brackett puts unusual weight on relationships and upbringing. He argues that negative self-talk comes from outside us, often from parents and peers [2]. He also notes that most adults never had an "emotion mentor" who gave them permission to feel [4]. Adolphs, by contrast, frames regulation more in terms of individual strategy and training [1].
Practical Takeaways
- Build your emotional vocabulary, or at least your concepts. Try to distinguish disappointment from anger, or anxiety from stress [4]. Adolphs notes you don't strictly need words, only concepts [1].
- Intervene early. Where possible, shape your environment so you avoid predictable triggers rather than battling emotions at their peak [1].
- Drop the "I shouldn't feel this" script. Fighting a feeling can intensify it [1][2].
- Watch for venting, numbing and harsh self-talk. Robbins found venting only stirred her up, and Brackett flags eating, drinking and negative self-talk as common traps [2].
- Ask what the emotion is pointing to. Treat feelings as data about your needs and values. In a stale relationship, David suggests asking again the questions about hopes and dreams you asked on a first date [5].
- Remember regulation includes savoring. Brackett's definition covers boosting and maintaining good moments, not just reducing bad ones [2].
- Pair goals with tools. Kross says knowing what you want, and having the means to get there, is a formula for a good life [3].
- Practice until it becomes automatic. Adolphs says both the strategy and the automaticity of control can be trained [1].
Sources
- Dr. Ralph Adolphs on the Neuroscience of Emotions and How to Regulate Them · Huberman Lab
- Dr. Marc Brackett on Emotional Intelligence: The RULER Skills for Mastering Your Emotions · The Mel Robbins Podcast
- How to Control Your Inner Voice & Increase Your Resilience · Huberman Lab
- Dr Marc Brackett How To Increase Your Emotional Intelligence · Huberman Lab
- How to Overcome & Take Back Control of Your Emotions with Dr. Susan David · The School of Greatness
