How to Make Hard Choices After a Breakup: Mel Robbins Coaches a Listener on Staying or Going

High-Level Overview

In this coaching episode, Mel Robbins works live with Katrina, a 25-year-old finishing law school in Indianapolis whose boyfriend of five years broke up with her days before her birthday. Katrina wants to move to a state that has everything she loves, but feels held back by guilt toward her parents and a lingering hope of reconciling with her ex. Robbins uses the session to teach two truths: you must know the difference between the right decision and being afraid of the right decision, and how you feel about someone is very different from how they make you feel. She then unpacks ten takeaways from the conversation.

The tone is warm but blunt and often salty, with Robbins cheering Katrina on, challenging the story she has been telling herself, and running a role-play so she's prepared if she runs into her ex. The episode flows from personal coaching to practical, broadly applicable lessons about decisions, closure and regret.

The Discussion Explores:

• Why life-changing decisions come from the heart, not the analytical brain
• Moving toward something rather than running away from something
• Guilt about disappointing parents, and how to ask for support instead
• Letting go of someone who doesn't want you and reclaiming your self-worth
• Recognizing the warning signs you ignored, and "if it's not love, it's a lesson"
• Rehearsing what to say if you bump into an ex
• Using expansion versus contraction to feel which choice is right
• Regret, closure and the difference between the decision and the fear of it

Deep Dive into Main Ideas

The Question: Stay or Go?

Katrina explains that in July 2022 her boyfriend of five years ended things out of nowhere, though she admits there were probably signs. She felt numb for months and now feels her home state no longer feels warm: friends are getting engaged, and she worries about running into her ex on hiking trails they shared. She wants to move, but a part of her knows leaving lowers the chances of getting back together, especially since his parents reunited after years apart.

Robbins tells her it may be a short session because she already knows the answer. As a new lawyer, Katrina is analytical, but Robbins says "the kind of decisions that change your life are not made in that analytical brain." Katrina says she feels her answer in her heart. When Robbins asks why she wants to move, setting the ex aside, Katrina says she wanted to leave even before the breakup and that she's 60% called somewhere else and 40% wanting to get away. Robbins tells her "you will always regret not doing it" and reminds her "you can always come back."

Guilt, Parents and Asking for Support

Katrina says she wants to bet on herself but feels guilty toward her parents, who plan to stay in Indiana. Robbins pushes back hard: parents are adults who can travel and FaceTime, and she says she'd hate for her own kids to give up a dream out of guilt about her. She suggests Katrina tell her parents directly that she needs to do this for her growth, that her only hesitation is fear of upsetting them, and ask for their support, while acknowledging that whether they give it is up to them. "Living with regret is the worst thing in the world," Robbins says.

In her takeaways, Robbins adds that 99% of the time people fear disappointing someone they haven't even asked. Her own parents dislike that she lives far away but remain her biggest supporters, because "People can be two things at once." If you hold yourself back, she says, own it rather than blaming parents or friends.

He Didn't Want You, So He's Not Your Person

Katrina says she has been dating again and using the five second rule, but still clings to hope because her ex was everything she wanted except that he didn't want her. Robbins responds, "Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?" She explains that Katrina has handed part of her self-worth to him and believes that winning him back would restore it. Later, Robbins explains that we often cling to people who don't want us because convincing them to like us again seems to prove we're worthy, but "The only person that you need to be worthy of is yourself."

Robbins asks about the signs, since "There are always signs." Katrina shares that he cheated two years in, that tension grew after a fight involving his Mormon faith and friends from his church, that he grew distant, and that every guy in their friend group broke up with his girlfriend around the same time. Robbins helps her rewrite the story: he wasn't everything she wanted; he was someone who cheated, then iced her out and ended things in a disrespectful way. She encourages Katrina to feel angry about how she was treated instead of sad, and offers a new narrative: "when it's not love, it's a lesson." The lesson is that Katrina, now a lawyer, wants an adult relationship with an equal who communicates his feelings and can have hard conversations.

Rehearsing the Encounter

Robbins predicts Katrina will bump into her ex soon and insists she have a plan. The key insight: "This is not about the breakup. It's not about what happened. It's about the how." What keeps Katrina hooked is the injustice of how it ended, because she is a person of principle. Robbins scripts a response: walk right up, say it's good to see him, say you're moving and thank him for ending it because you'd have made different choices otherwise, then tell him the way he handled it was awful and you deserved better.

They role-play twice, with Robbins playing the ex. On the second try, Katrina tells him the breakup was a blessing, that she wouldn't have decided to move otherwise, but that the way he did it was not acceptable and she hopes he does better with women in the future. She says it feels "empowering and it feels honest." In her takeaways, Robbins calls this A/B planning: Plan A is not running into someone, and Plan B is a rehearsed response that removes the anxiety from the back of your mind. She shares that she has done the same for a college roommate she fell out with more than 30 years ago, a falling out she says was mostly her fault.

Expansion Versus Contraction

Robbins gives Katrina a tool for weighty decisions: close your eyes and picture each option. The choice aligned with you will feel more expansive, as if something inside opens up. It may still be scary, but it holds growth and excitement. If you feel yourself shrink, with energy contracting, that's a no. Use your heart to know the truth, then use your analytical brain to figure out how and when to execute. Katrina reveals she had meant to write in for six months and finally hit send after finishing the audiobook of The 5 Second Rule.

Ten Takeaways on Closure, Signs and Regret

Robbins summarizes ten lessons. First, run toward something rather than away: frame a move as pursuing growth, freedom and confidence rather than escaping an ex, which hands them your power. Second, closure means letting go: "If you're still holding on to the handle on the door, you haven't fully closed it," and you must also walk toward something new. Third and fourth, own it if you hold yourself back, and stop assuming you'll disappoint people without asking them. Fifth, if someone doesn't want you, you shouldn't want them.

Sixth, own the signs you ignored, because "Your intuition is always right" and claiming the signs strengthens it for the future instead of making you look weak. Seventh, if it's not love, it's a lesson; not everyone is meant to stay, but what they teach stays with you. Eighth, rehearse what you'll say. Ninth, you don't need the other person to feel complete: their behavior is all the data you need, plus either owning the signs you ignored or taking responsibility for your own toxic behavior. "A change in behavior is the best apology that you could give yourself," she says, candidly admitting regrets from her own past, including cheating on former boyfriends while she was dealing with unaddressed childhood trauma. Tenth, "What you'll actually regret are the things you didn't do," whether that's moving, returning to school, dating again or taking your health seriously.

The Two Truths

Robbins closes by returning to her two truths. Put the weight of a decision on how a person or place makes you feel rather than how you feel about them: Katrina's ex made her feel angry, rejected and disrespected, and Indianapolis now makes her feel small and stuck. And above all, know the difference between the right decision in your heart and your fear of making it, then find the courage to act, because you will never regret it.

Conclusion

Through one listener's dilemma, Mel Robbins offers a practical framework for any hard choice. Trust your heart to recognize the right decision and your brain to execute it; frame change as moving toward growth; ask for support instead of assuming you'll disappoint people; stop wanting someone who doesn't want you; own the red flags you ignored; and prepare for the moments you dread so they lose their power. Most of all, separate the decision from the fear of the decision, because the regrets that last are for the things you didn't do.

This is a summary of "How to Make Hard Choices: Practical Tips for When Sht Gets Real" from The Mel Robbins Podcast, giving you the GIST so you can decide if you want the REST. Listen to the full episode.*