Assume good intent: the story you tell about your partner shapes the relationship
September 29, 2026 · 25 min read
Esther Perel contrasts curiosity with reactivity and stories with facts, Lori Gottlieb calls us all unreliable narrators, and Mel and Chris Robbins and Jefferson Fisher both recommend assuming good intent. Questioning your interpretation before reacting prevents many fights from starting.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Core idea: couples fight over the story about what happened, especially the assumed motive.
- Esther Perel: your account is valid as your experience, not as fact.
- Perel: curiosity is the alternative to fast cycles of attack and defense.
- Perel: we assign hostile intent because it makes our hurt make sense.
- Perel: we excuse ourselves by circumstance and blame partners by character.
- Lori Gottlieb: we are unreliable narrators running unrevised childhood scripts.
- Gottlieb: rewrite a key story from the other person's side; seek friends who challenge you kindly.
- Mel Robbins: assuming good intent is a skill; a positive story crowds out resentment.
- Chris Robbins: when behavior repeats, describe its impact without attacking character.
- Petty arguments are usually about feeling considered, respected and treated kindly.
- Jefferson Fisher: the stated issue is rarely the real issue; ask before assuming.
- Fisher: ask whether a message was meant to sound short; breathe before replying.
- Ask whether you even need to agree on this.
- Limit: good intent never means tolerating mistreatment or abuse; see a qualified therapist if you feel unsafe or belittled.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.