End-of-life regrets point back to people, not achievements
Robert Waldinger draws on 86 years of Harvard data on what people regret at the end, death doula Alua Arthur talks about regrets and forgiveness at the bedside, Mel Robbins replays end-of-life regret as one of her year's most resonant moments, and Arthur Brooks ties family to regret. Looking ahead to those regrets gives a concrete reason to put relationships first while there is still time.
What did Robert Waldinger call almost the number one regret in the Harvard study? Show answer
Spending too much time at work and not enough time with the people they cared about.
What were the study's participants proudest of when they looked back? Show answer
Not their achievements but their relationships: being a good mentor, partner, parent or boss, even among those who had won huge prizes.
What predicted health and happiness at 80 better than cholesterol levels? Show answer
How satisfied people were in their relationships at age 50.
How does Waldinger explain the link between relationships and health? Show answer
Talking to someone helps the body calm down after a fight-or-flight response; without good relationships people may stay in a low-level stress state that gradually breaks down body systems.
Which regret does Alua Arthur say people have far more than the others? Show answer
How they did not show up for the people they loved: not saying I love you, thank you or please forgive me.
What are Arthur's three questions? Show answer
Who did I love, how did I love and was I loved? She says they should be asked now, not only at the deathbed.
What is Arthur Brooks's deepest regret? Show answer
Neglecting his parents in his twenties, while pursuing a career as a French horn player, and losing them before he knew them as he wished.
What four idols does Brooks draw from Thomas Aquinas? Show answer
Money, power, pleasure and honor; each feels like it leads to what you want but works like salt water and leaves you thirstier.
What does Dr. Zach Bush name as the number one regret he hears from the dying? Show answer
Performing the whole time, meaning they never dared to be themselves.
Why does Waldinger say people chase money and status? Show answer
They are countable badges of achievement that look like a place where we can finally be done, though life has no such place.
How did Waldinger change his own life after looking at his study? Show answer
He started texting friends and making dinner dates himself, and suggested walks, coffee and beers, paying more attention to relationships and less to work.
Does putting relationships first mean reconciling with everyone? Show answer
No. Arthur says sometimes we don't have to forgive just because somebody is dying, and Brooks offers his marriage habits only for a relationship that has cooled, not one with abuse or infidelity.