Family estrangement: when stepping away helps and what reconnection takes
Therapist Patrick Teahan explains going no contact and what reconnection would require, Ramani Durvasula teaches a prepare-and-release approach for staying in touch with a narcissistic relative and discusses reopening the door, Bill Eddy describes estrangement in smaller families, Nicole LePera talks about stepping away from parents, and Dr. Shefali, the Robbins family and Andy Stumpf describe the work of reconnecting. Taken together they give people on either side of a family rift a way to decide between distance and repair without treating either as failure.
When does stepping away from a family member help? Show answer
When contact keeps a person too stirred up to recover. Teahan lost a week at a time after encounters with his mother.
What makes reconnection possible, according to Patrick Teahan? Show answer
Honesty from the one who did harm. He would need his mother to acknowledge her drinking and why he had to step away.
What happened when Teahan reopened contact after three years? Show answer
He had changed and his mother had not, so he cut contact again.
How does Nicole LePera describe her break from her family? Show answer
As a painful hard stop that was necessary for all of them to end their cycles of stress. Later the relationship improved.
What is Ramani Durvasula's radical acceptance? Show answer
Recognizing that the person's behavior and the relationship are not going to change, so you stop spending yourself on hope.
What is Durvasula's method for staying in contact? Show answer
Prepare beforehand by reminding yourself what will happen, then release afterward with time set aside to recover.
Why does Durvasula advise against announcing boundaries to a narcissistic relative? Show answer
Announcing them invites the person to push and starts a power struggle. She keeps boundaries internal and acts on them quietly.
What does Dr. Shefali Tsabary tell parents who want to repair things? Show answer
Begin with accountability, such as a letter naming what you did, then be patient. Your child owes you nothing.
How does Tsabary define a boundary? Show answer
As your own behavior, like leaving the room. It has nothing to do with making the other person stop.
What did Andy Stumpf do when his son cut contact for eighteen months? Show answer
He kept calling, texting and writing without attacking anyone. They are now probably closer than ever.
Where do the experts disagree about explaining yourself? Show answer
Teahan says tell a parent why when it is safe. Durvasula and Eddy advise a brief, blame-free exit with people who will turn it into a fight.
What safety advice does Bill Eddy give? Show answer
Where there is a risk of violence, get to safety before announcing a separation, since leaving can be the most dangerous moment.