Grief isn't only for the dead: mourning jobs, hopes and empty nests
Grief expert David Kessler defines grief as any change we didn't want, including a divorce or a lost job. Andrew Huberman explains that the brain grieves people, animals and even objects through the same craving circuitry, Ramani Durvasula says healing from a narcissistic relationship means grieving the person you hoped they were, and Mel Robbins treats the empty nest as a loss to work through. Calling these losses grief gives people permission to mourn them instead of wondering why they can't just move on.
How does David Kessler define grief? Show answer
As a change we didn't want, so a breakup, divorce or job loss counts as grief.
According to Kessler, why do people stay stuck in bargaining? Show answer
The mind would rather feel guilty than helpless, so it keeps replaying what-ifs instead of accepting a less controllable world.
What did Kessler add as a sixth stage of grief? Show answer
Meaning, which he describes as found in who we become after the loss, not in the event itself.
What are the three dimensions along which Huberman says the brain maps attachments? Show answer
Space, time and closeness, and they apply to people, animals and meaningful objects.
Why does Huberman call grief a motivational state rather than just sadness? Show answer
Grief involves dopamine-driven craving and seeking, a reaching for something we know we can't have.
What does Huberman say about grieving a lost object? Show answer
It doesn't approximate losing a person or animal, but objects can matter deeply, often because they hold a relationship.
What is Durvasula's first step in healing from a narcissistic parent or partner? Show answer
Radical acceptance that the person and the relationship won't change, which is not excusing them and is not your fault.
Why does Durvasula consider this loss possibly more complicated than a death? Show answer
It brings no closure, no justice and no mourning rituals, and the person is still alive.
What texting rule does Mel Robbins give empty-nest parents? Show answer
Wait 30 minutes before texting your kid to fill time, for the first 30 days.
What should you do if a loss of any kind isn't easing or looks like depression? Show answer
See a mental health professional, ideally one who understands grief.