How to ask for a raise: advice from career researchers and negotiators

The Short Version

A raise is not won in one brave meeting. It is built over months of conversations about what your boss values, and a written record of your wins that makes your case for you [1][2]. Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks, speaking with Mel Robbins, says the best negotiators are emotionally intelligent rather than aggressive, and that you should start by asking what your boss and company need [1]. Vivian Tu sets the ask on a calendar: goals in January, a check-in in summer, evidence in the fall, then a specific number and silence [2]. Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss and investor Grant Cardone, who talk about negotiation in general rather than raises, add tactics that keep the other side engaged: a calm voice, curious "how" and "what" questions, guessing the other side's view out loud, and letting people save face [3][4]. Across all four sources, preparation, visibility and calm, curious questions do more than bold demands.

Table of contents

What They Said

Alison Wood Brooks (with Mel Robbins): influence comes from value, and the ask is a series of conversations

Brooks teaches two of the most popular courses at Harvard Business School, one on the science of negotiation and one on the science of communication, and Mel Robbins introduces her advice as coming from "15 years of research" [1]. Brooks says she taught the negotiation course for about four years before creating a broader course called Talk on becoming a better conversationalist [1].

Her starting point is that people misread who gets ahead. Asked what single factor decides whether someone gets promoted or paid more, she says we imagine "masters of the universe or maybe tycoons," but "In practice, the people who thrive at work, who do well, who perform well, are good at conversation" [1]. She describes them this way: "They're people that everyone likes working with because they're enjoyable to be around and they're bringing value" [1].

The myth and the reality. The episode summary puts the usual raise script plainly. The myth is that you walk into your boss's office with a confident speech, list your accomplishments, and demand what you deserve [1]. The research-backed alternative is to understand what your boss, team or organization needs, and then deliver it [1]. Instead of asking how to prove you're amazing, Brooks has you ask: What problems do I solve for this company? What does my boss value most? How can I make myself irreplaceable? [1]. That shift, the summary says, turns negotiation from a confrontation into collaboration and makes you more persuasive [1]. Mel Robbins states the mistake bluntly. Doing the homework to "force yourself out of your point of view" means being "really being interested in what that person cares about instead of jamming my opinion like a poop sandwich down their throat for them to choke down" [1].

Conversations before the ask. Brooks's raise protocol starts well before the request. You have a series of conversations in which you ask your boss what they value most in your role, find out what you're doing well and where you can improve, and identify what would make you indispensable [1]. When you do ask, the suggested framing is gentle and grounded in what the boss has already said: "I know you've said I've become invaluable in these areas…" followed by "Here's what I'm wondering: Is there a world where you'd be able to reward that?" [1]. The summary argues that asking whether the company can afford a raise, or what would have to happen for one, shows strategic thinking, humility, and alignment and is not weakness—it's wisdom [1].

Money is not the only lever. Brooks warns against fixating on the dollar figure. "Yes, money matters tremendously," she says, but happiness at work also depends on the meaning of the work, your connection to coworkers and your boss, whether you have "a work bestie," even "Is there convenient parking? Is there good coffee?" [1]. Her advice for a raise conversation that stalls on budget: "If my company can't afford to give me $10,000 or $20,000 more a year, are there other things that would make my life so much better, so much more pleasant that are not about money at all?" Her example: "Like, could I do a four-day work week?" [1].

Visibility. The episode says most employees wrongly assume their contributions are obvious [1]. The fix is a weekly log of wins, problem-solving moments and behind-the-scenes tasks, plus a short Friday update to your manager: "Here's what I completed, what's in progress, and what I'll tackle next. Let me know if you'd like me to shift focus" [1]. The stated benefits are that it raises your visibility without arrogance, lets your boss advocate for you more effectively, and builds documentation for future performance reviews [1]. The conversation applies this to every kind of job. If you work at a big-box retailer and solve a problem, even a broken mop, "send an email wide about what happened and how you solved it," because you become known as someone proactive [1]. And there's a fallback: "even if they don't promote you at your work, guess what? You now have a record of all this stuff for when you're interviewing" [1].

Influence is curiosity. Brooks says true influence starts with empathy and curiosity: ask what others need, learn how they define success, then listen, mirror and adapt to add value [1]. Her line: "Being persuasive starts with having a learning mindset" [1]. The same logic runs through her networking advice. Before meeting someone, read about their topic and think about "what value you could actually bring to that person," such as a research method you know or someone you could introduce them to. Then the meeting is no longer nerve-wracking, because you arrive prepared [1].

Nerves. Brooks's research found that trying to calm down when you're anxious doesn't work. The tool is to say out loud, "I'm excited," which shifts you from threat to opportunity and pairs your body's high energy with a positive interpretation [1]. She reframes anxiety itself: "Feeling anxious means you care. The recipe for anxiety is uncertainty" [1]. Mel Robbins credits this reframe with her own career: "It saved my career" [1]. The summary says the reframe improves performance across interviews, presentations, and negotiations [1].

Gratitude for the other side's time. Brooks also notes that "Any conversation is co-constructed. It's co-created," and the people giving you their time are being "quite generous" [1]. She recommends ending with thanks "no matter what happens": "I've really loved getting to know you and learning from you" [1]. She is describing a job interview here, but the point carries over to any meeting where someone is weighing your case.

Vivian Tu: come with receipts, name the number, then stop talking

Vivian Tu, a former J.P. Morgan trader known online as "Your Rich BFF," puts raises inside a bigger money argument [2]. If you already spend only on essentials, she says, "You cannot budget your way out of paycheck to paycheck. You need to increase how much money is coming in the door" [2]. One of the two ways to do that is to earn more where you are: "negotiating a raise," "getting a promotion," or "potentially job hopping somewhere else to get a more competitive salary or bonus" [2]. The other is a side hustle [2]. She admits it isn't fair, but "You're not the problem, but you do get to be the solution" [2].

Calibrate early in your career. For people in their 20s in a hard job market, Tu says, "Some jobs are for learning and some jobs are for earning" [2]. Experience matters more than a big salary early on, and sometimes the way to get paid more is to leave, switch departments or change industries [2]. She adds a caution: "That's not to say you shouldn't be asking for more, but expecting a monstrous number out the gate may mean you have to give up other parts of your lifestyle" [2].

The calendar playbook. Asked the best way to ask for a raise, Tu answers: "Come with receipts, Mel. We are coming prepared. You better come in with everything that you've already done" [2]. Her key timing rule: "Winter raises, winter promotions are made in the summer" [2]. The steps:

• January to February. Sit down with your boss and set goals for the year, planning to revisit them around June or July [2].
• Summer check-in. Report progress: "I'm happy to report that I've already accomplished X, Y, and Z." Then ask what else is needed: "I would love to know what other things would you need to see from me" to be in a good position for a promotion, the next level or a new territory [2]. The boss sets the terms: "I'm going to let you as my boss tell me" [2]. She also offers to take on problems the boss cares about: "I'm also going to focus on a couple of these other things that I know have just been a thorn in your side so I can help make your job easier" [2].
• Summer through fall. Deliver. "I crush it," she says, "I am just grinding" [2]. Meanwhile, keep a record: "I've built something called a bragbook in my inbox," a folder for every time someone congratulates you or praises your work [2].
• October to November. Open warmly, with the team's success, show examples of how you hit each goal, and then name the ask. A specific raise would be "commensurate" with your performance, or "a promotion makes sense given that I'm already operating at this level" [2].

Then silence. Tu's most emphatic point comes right after the ask: "Then I shut up" [2]. She tells a story against herself. In one of her first negotiations she gave a strong pitch, "I asked for my raise, and then I said, but if not, that's okay" [2]. Her verdict: "Stop talking. Let you tell me no. I don't tell myself no" [2]. Done right, the evidence speaks: "Now you're actually showing that you earned it and that you're worth investing it" [2].

Make it about you, not a coworker. Tu warns against comparing yourself to colleagues: "It's not about what other people are making" [2]. Citing what a coworker earns backfires: "Now you've snitched on Johnny. You are going to show why you deserve the number" [2].

Chris Voss: diagnose fast, stay playful, lower your voice, ask "how" and "what"

Chris Voss spent more than two decades at the FBI as a lead crisis negotiator, wrote Never Split the Difference, and has taught negotiation at Harvard, Georgetown and USC [3]. He doesn't discuss raises directly. His advice is about hard conversations of every kind, including business deals, breakups and firings [3], and several of his tools map onto a talk with a boss.

Mindset. Voss starts by working out what's really happening: "there's always a better deal or there's no deal at all" [3]. He wants to learn early whether a deal is possible: "It's not a sin to not get the deal. It's a sin to take a long time to not get the deal" [3]. He finds he does best when he is relaxed and in a good mood: "a couple of really huge personal negotiation wins recently was when I was just trying to be playful" [3]. His example is a lost-luggage clerk. He walked in cheerful and said, I need you to wave a magic wand, and she climbed up the carousel ramp, disappeared for about ten minutes and came back with his bag [3]. Great negotiation, he says, is not exciting. It's astonishing [3].

The calm voice. When things heat up, Voss switches to his "late night FM DJ voice." It calms the other person and calms him, because negative emotions make me dumber in the moment [3]. Andrew Huberman adds research he learned from auditory neuroscientist Dr. Eddie Chang: low-frequency voices drive the listener's neurons to fire at low frequencies, pulling the listener toward calm involuntarily [3]. As Huberman puts it, "It's an involuntary reaction," and the listener's "mind is getting shifted toward a state of low frequency oscillation, which is one of more calm" [3].

Guess their view out loud. Rather than open with questions, Voss describes the other person's perspective first: here's what I think you're thinking [3]. People love to correct you, and they are far more candid correcting you than answering your questions [3]. That makes gathering information and building rapport a single step, and it may turn up a better idea than either side started with [3]. In friendly negotiations, he says, People really just want to be heard out [3]. He treats "win-win" as a warning sign, because in his experience someone who opens with it is often trying to pick your pocket [3].

How and what questions. A counterpart gives in when they feel they've gotten everything they can, and everyone wants to feel they earned the outcome [3]. "How" and "what questions slow people into deliberate thinking (Voss cites Daniel Kahneman), and the way someone answers tells you more than their words [3]. His example is the question how much money do you think you deserve?: an instant ten million dollars marks a shakedown artist, while a thoughtful pause marks a different kind of person [3]. Against an aggressive counterpart, start peppering them with how and what questions, because they even think about the answer tires them out. And it's passive aggressive. And it's deferential. And it really works [3]. The key follow-through question is How do I know you're going to follow through?" because "vision drives decision": someone who means to act has already pictured doing it [3].

Labels and proactive listening. Voss practices labels, spoken observations like "seems like something just crossed your mind" when someone hesitates or looks away [3]. He once assumed a counterpart's sideways glance meant they had more money, when they were actually stretched to the limit. He should have named the glance rather than read meaning into it [3]. Proactive listening means naming a predictable negative before it appears, such as "it's probably going to seem like I'm being greedy," which he says inoculates rather than plants the idea [3]. Mirroring means repeating one to three of the other person's key words with a rising tone, which invites them to expand [3].

Deals won by exhaustion don't stick. Asked about ego depletion, Voss agrees it's real, but says wearing someone down into a deal only works in a contained siege. In "uncontained" business and personal life, the other side's ego recharges while the deal is being carried out, and they either deviate or back out [3].

Practice small. His preparation is "small stakes practice for high stakes results" [3]. He practices labels on Lyft drivers, TSA agents, hotel clerks and baristas, trying "to leave as much positive calm in my wake as possible" [3]. His favorite opener starts with "What do you love about," which quickly shows who a person is [3].

Grant Cardone: save face, find motivation, be willing to walk

Grant Cardone talks about big-money deals, sales and building equity, not salaried raises [4]. Some of his negotiation rules still apply to any ask. People must save face and feel they won. You must uncover their motivation, which is rarely just money. And you must be willing to walk away. He once lost a deal to the buyer of the Mets, and that was okay [4]. His one-line summary: "deals break down not over dollars, but over face" [4]. When pitching, he advises asking people what motivates them beyond money, making sure they win in the deal, and leaving them room to feel respected [4]. For long-term leverage he'd rather pay more and keep the relationship than score a one-time win and burn a bridge [4].

His view of sales has moved away from tactics. He no longer uses "tricks, NLP or mirroring, and instead leads with transparency, stating plainly that he means to help and to close [4]. He calls this information-assisted selling: giving buyers all the facts up front so they feel informed and respected [4]. His code: My personal integrity is why I can sell so hard [4]. He also values equity over cash. On Undercover Billionaire he negotiated a 15% equity stake in a mattress store's upside rather than asking for wages: I didn't want money. I wanted opportunity. I was looking for a business already in play [4]. In his words, A dead Benjamin is from the past. Equity is the future" [4]. That is a more aggressive version of Brooks's point that pay can take forms other than salary [1].

Where They Agree, and Where They Don't

Agreement

Start with the other side's needs. Brooks has you ask what your boss values and what problems you solve [1]. Tu has you ask what your boss needs to see and take on "a thorn in your side" [2]. Voss guesses the other person's view out loud and lets them correct it [3]. Cardone says you must uncover motivation, which is rarely just money [4]. All four frame negotiation as finding out what the other person wants before pressing your own case.

Evidence beats assertion. Brooks's weekly log and Friday updates [1] and Tu's "bragbook" and "Come with receipts" [2] are the same tool: a written record, built over time, that makes the ask easy to justify. Cardone's "information-assisted selling," with all the facts up front, is the sales version of the same idea [4].

Keep the relationship intact. Brooks calls effective negotiators emotionally intelligent rather than aggressive [1]. Voss says deals won by exhaustion come apart in uncontained settings like work [3]. Cardone would rather pay more and keep a relationship than burn a bridge [4]. Since your boss is someone you keep working with, all three point away from pressure tactics.

Performance has to come first. Tu's playbook depends on actually delivering between summer and fall [2]. Brooks's approach is to understand what the company needs and then deliver it [1].

Stay composed. Voss's playful, relaxed mood and calm voice [3] and Brooks's reframe of nerves [1] both aim to keep emotion from derailing the conversation.

Disagreement

How firm the ask should be. This is the clearest split. Brooks's suggested wording is tentative and collaborative: "Is there a world where you'd be able to reward that?" She also suggests asking whether the company can afford a raise at all [1]. Tu names a specific raise as "commensurate" with performance and then goes silent. She explicitly rejects softeners, calling her own "but if not, that's okay" a mistake: "I don't tell myself no" [2]. Brooks's reasoning is that humility and alignment turn a confrontation into collaboration [1]. Tu's is that hedging hands the "no" to yourself before your boss has given it [2]. The two can be combined. Tu's approach also depends on months of the boss telling you what they need [2], which is the collaborative groundwork Brooks recommends [1]. They differ mainly on the final sentence.

Calming down versus reframing nerves. Brooks's research says trying to calm down when anxious doesn't work, and you should say "I'm excited" instead [1]. Voss relies on calm: he lowers his voice to calm both the other person and himself, because negative emotions make me dumber in the moment [3]. The sources don't reconcile this. One possible reading, though neither source says so, is that the two target different things. Brooks is dealing with the pre-performance jitters you can't simply switch off [1]. Voss's voice is mainly a tool that acts on the listener's brain [3].

Mirroring. Brooks lists mirroring among her influence habits [1], and Voss teaches it as a core tool [3]. Cardone says he no longer uses mirroring, NLP or "tricks and prefers plain transparency [4]. Cardone's reason is integrity: being open about his intent is what lets him sell so hard" [4]. Voss's reason is practical. Repeating a few words gets people to expand without feeling interrogated [3].

Wearing the other side down. Voss recommends peppering an aggressive counterpart with how and what questions to tire them [3]. He also says deals won by exhaustion don't hold in uncontained settings [3]. Taken together, the questions are best used to understand an aggressive counterpart or draw out a loophole, not to grind a boss into a yes you'll have to live with.

Leaving versus staying. Tu says that sometimes the way to get paid more is to leave, switch departments or change industries [2]. Voss and Cardone both stress being willing to walk away [3][4]. Brooks focuses on making yourself indispensable where you are, and on non-cash rewards if money is tight [1]. These fit together more than they conflict. Brooks's record of wins doubles as interview material if you do leave [1].

Why It Works

Your contributions are less visible than you think. Brooks's episode starts from the observation that employees wrongly assume their work is obvious [1]. A weekly log and Friday updates fix that and give your boss what they need to advocate for you more effectively [1]. Tu's brag book does the same when the decision is made: you show "all the things I've already crushed" before naming the number [2]. The mechanism is that the person deciding on your raise often has to argue for it to someone else, and you're giving them the argument.

Asking early turns the boss into a co-author. Tu's summer question, "what other things would you need to see from me," means the boss sets the bar [2]. When you clear it, the raise is the outcome they defined. Brooks's framing "I know you've said I've become invaluable in these areas" works the same way, quoting the boss's own assessment back to them [1]. Voss explains why this matters. People give in when they feel they have gotten everything they can, and everyone wants to feel they earned the outcome [3]. Cardone puts it as letting people "save face" and feel they won [4].

Silence keeps the decision with the decider. Tu's rule rests on a simple observation. If you add "but if not, that's okay," you've answered for your boss [2]. Stopping lets them respond to the evidence [2].

Curiosity gives better information. Voss says people are more candid when correcting a guess than when answering a question, which speeds up rapport and fact-finding [3]. "How" and "what questions push people into slower, deliberate thinking, and the way they answer is itself information [3]. Brooks's version is that persuasion starts with having a learning mindset," with listening and adapting to add value [1].

A calm voice changes the listener's state. Huberman cites Dr. Eddie Chang's research that low-frequency voices drive low-frequency firing in the listener's brain, an involuntary shift toward calm [3]. Voss adds that negative emotion makes him think less clearly [3].

Excitement fits the body you already have. Brooks's research found that saying "I'm excited" works better than trying to calm down, because it matches the racing heart and sweaty palms with a positive interpretation and moves you from threat to opportunity [1]. "Feeling anxious means you care," she says, and "The recipe for anxiety is uncertainty" [1]. Preparation, which several sources recommend, reduces that uncertainty, and Brooks describes a prepared meeting as "not nerve-wracking" [1].

Naming negatives defuses them. Voss bases proactive listening on research that naming an emotion reduces it (he cites The Upward Spiral). Saying "it's probably going to seem like I'm being greedy" before the other person thinks it inoculates rather than plants the idea [3].

Coerced agreements fall apart. Voss's point about ego depletion explains why pressure backfires at work. Outside a contained siege, the other side's ego recharges during implementation and they deviate or back out [3]. A raise squeezed out of a resentful boss can erode in the same way.

Where It Applies, and Where It Doesn't

Salaried jobs with an annual review cycle. Tu's January-to-November calendar fits workplaces that set goals early and decide pay late in the year [2]. If your company works differently, the timing will need to change. The principle that raises are "made in the summer," months before they're granted, is the part to keep [2].

Any job, including hourly and shift work. Brooks and Mel Robbins insist the influence approach works whether you're in corporate leadership, on the night shift at a restaurant or freelancing [1]. The big-box retailer example, emailing about how you fixed a problem, shows visibility isn't only for office workers [1].

When the company can't pay more. Brooks's advice is to look at non-money improvements such as a four-day work week, and she notes that meaning, colleagues and daily conditions weigh heavily on happiness [1]. Cardone's preference for equity over cash is a bolder version for people in a position to ask for ownership [4].

Early career. Tu warns that "Some jobs are for learning and some jobs are for earning," and that a "monstrous number out the gate" has hidden costs [2]. For early-career workers, the learning a role offers can matter as much as the pay.

When staying is the problem. Tu counts job hopping as a legitimate route to higher pay [2]. Voss says there's no sin in failing to get a deal, only in taking a long time to fail [3]. If your boss never gives a clear path after the summer check-in, both suggest moving on rather than waiting.

Where the tactics come from. Voss's tools were developed in hostage cases, kidnappings and FBI work [3], and Cardone's in large business deals and reality TV [4]. Neither talks about asking an employer for a raise. Their advice on mood, voice, questions, face-saving and walking away is general, and applying it to a raise is this article's synthesis, not their explicit claim. Some of Voss's methods fit a boss conversation poorly. Wearing someone down works only in contained sieges, by his own account [3].

Comparisons with colleagues. Tu is clear that coworker pay is the wrong basis for an ask, both because it moves the focus off your results and because it exposes a colleague [2].

Nerves. Brooks's "I'm excited" reframe is meant for any high-stakes moment: interviews, presentations and negotiations [1]. Where it conflicts with Voss's emphasis on calm is covered above [1][3].

What To Do With It

1. Start the conversation early in the year. In January or February, sit down with your boss and set goals, with a plan to revisit them mid-year [2]. Ask what they value most in your role, what you're doing well and where you can improve [1].

2. Find out what makes you indispensable. Ask yourself Brooks's questions: What problems do I solve for this company? What does my boss value most? How can I make myself irreplaceable? [1]. Take on something that has been "a thorn in your side" for your boss [2].

3. Keep a running record. Keep a weekly log of wins, problem-solving moments and behind-the-scenes work [1], and an email folder, Tu's "bragbook," for every compliment and congratulation [2]. It's your raise evidence, and if that fails, your interview material [1].

4. Send short Friday updates. Tell your manager what you finished, what's in progress and what's next, and invite them to change your focus [1]. When you solve a problem, "send an email wide about what happened and how you solved it" [1].

5. Check in during the summer. Report what you've already done against your goals and ask, "what other things would you need to see from me" to reach the next level. Let your boss set the bar [2]. Then deliver it [2].

6. Rehearse on low-stakes people. Practice labels and curious questions with drivers, clerks and baristas, as Voss does ("small stakes practice for high stakes results") [3]. Try openers like "What do you love about" to build the habit of curiosity [3].

7. Handle the nerves before the meeting. Rather than forcing yourself calm, say out loud, "I'm excited" [1]. In the room, keep your voice low and even, Voss's "late night FM DJ voice," which calms both you and the listener [3].

8. Make the ask with evidence, then stop. Open with the team's success, walk through examples of each goal you hit, and name a specific raise or promotion as commensurate with your performance [2]. If you want a more collaborative version, use Brooks's framing: I know you've said I've become invaluable in these areas… Is there a world where you'd be able to reward that? [1]. Either way, don't add "but if not, that's okay." "Then I shut up" [2].

9. Stay curious if you get pushback. Ask "how" and "what questions rather than arguing [3]. If you expect a reaction, name it first, as in Voss's it's probably going to seem like I'm being greedy [3]. Ask what would need to happen for a raise [1], and How do I know you're going to follow through?" to test whether a promise is real [3]. Keep it about your results, never what a coworker makes [2].

10. Know your alternatives and let them save face. If money is tight, ask about non-cash changes like a four-day week [1]. Give your boss room to say yes without losing face, since "deals break down not over dollars, but over face" [4]. If there's no path after a fair process, remember Tu's point that leaving, switching departments or changing industries can be the way to get paid more [2]. Voss's reminder is that "It's not a sin to not get the deal" [3].

Sources

1. The Most Important Career Advice You’ll Ever Hear · The Mel Robbins Podcast
2. Vivian Tu on How to Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck and Finally Get Ahead · The Mel Robbins Podcast
3. Chris Voss: How to Succeed at Hard Conversations · Huberman Lab
4. Grant Cardone: Mastering Money, Persuasive Negotiation & Building a Billionaire Mindset · The School of Greatness