How to help someone you love who is struggling, without trying to rescue them
Psychologist Lisa Damour, addiction doctor Sarah Wakeman and Mel Robbins each give guidance for supporting a struggling child, partner or friend: tell ordinary distress from real warning signs, side with the part of them that wants help, and stay a steady presence instead of taking over. Most people either push too hard or step back, and this gives them a workable middle path.
To help someone you love who is struggling, do not try to fix it for them and do not step back in frustration. Stay steady, find out whether there is really a problem, and back the part of them that wants to be well. The three voices here agree that the change has to happen inside the struggling person.
Psychologist Lisa Damour says to decide first whether this is a problem at all. Being mentally well does not mean feeling calm or happy. She asks two questions: do the feelings fit the circumstance, and are they managed well? Sadness after a breakup or anxiety before a test is healthy. The real warning signs are a mood that gets in the way of living, and what she calls costly coping: substances, lashing out at others, or turning it against yourself. People do those things because they work, at a price. So if you simply demand that someone stop, you start a fight. Acknowledge that the behavior helps in some way, say "what you're doing isn't working," and stick up for the part of them that wants help. Get yourself centered first and keep it short. When someone unloads on you, ask whether they want help or just need to vent.
Addiction doctor Sarah Wakeman says tough love, ultimatums and waiting for someone to hit bottom are fallacies. Alcohol use disorder means being unable to stop despite bad consequences, so adding more bad things is not a treatment. Nobody makes hard changes when they feel threatened or punished; people need love, safety and hope. Her words for a family: "I love you. I'm worried about you. I'm here for you. I know that treatment works." Do not expect an answer that day. A boundary is fine when you need one for your own safety or well-being, but it is not a treatment strategy.
Mel Robbins gives the everyday version for a college student who keeps calling home. Every time a parent solves the problem, the child learns to expect rescue. Validate the feeling, then ask what they think they should do.
They differ on tough love. Wakeman rejects it, while Robbins credits her mother's ultimatum with ending her own homesickness in an afternoon. The situations differ: Wakeman is describing a condition a person cannot simply choose their way out of, and Robbins a capable young adult avoiding a discomfort they can face. Damour and Robbins also differ on whether to take the tearful call, though both treat repeated talk that leaves someone worse as rumination, and both say avoidance feeds anxiety.
What to do with it: ask Damour's two questions before acting. Watch for the two red flags. Calm yourself before you speak. For drinking or drug use, use Wakeman's words and drop ultimatums. For a capable person who wants you to fix things, validate and ask. Do not help someone avoid what frightens them; agree on a small step.
If you are worried about suicide, ask directly, after explaining why; Damour says asking does not plant the idea. If someone is talking about harming themselves, is losing weight or cutting out foods, or cannot stop drinking, involve a doctor or mental health professional. This is not a substitute for that care.