Love from wholeness, not need: escaping codependency

The Short Version

Four very different voices make the same point: a relationship goes wrong when one person needs the other, or needs other people's approval, to feel that they are enough. Martha Beck calls self-abandoning love "a hostage situation" and describes a consuming "spider love," insisting that "love always sets the beloved free" [1]. Joe Dispenza says neediness pushes love away because it comes from lack, and that you should become whole enough that "it's impossible to want" [2]. Laura Berman separates self-esteem, based on what you do, from self-worth, based on the fact that you exist, and tells people to be their "own delicious cake," with a partner as just the icing [3]. Mel Robbins coaches Chrissy Teigen out of a lifelong habit of locating her goodness in other people's reactions, warning that when you outsource yourself worth... you will never feel safe [4]. The experts differ on how far to take this, but they agree that the way out starts inside you, not with the other person.

Table of contents

What They Said

Martha Beck: self-abandonment is not love

Sociologist and life coach Martha Beck's comments on codependency came in response to a confession from Andrew Huberman. "I have a tendency to get into relationships quickly and ending them feels near impossible," he said, adding that it had caused suffering for him and others, and that he struggled to accept the idea that the loving thing to do can be to go separate ways [1].

Beck's read was direct. He sounded like one of "the people who have a huge heart who sometimes confuse love with self abandonment, who loves so deeply that you want the joy of the of the beloved more than you want your own joy." Huberman agreed, and she went on: "that is not love. That is a hostage situation" [1].

Spider love. To show the difference, Beck offered a metaphor. Ask a spider how it feels about flies, and it will say it loves them. And it expresses that love by immobilizing them, wrapping them up and injecting them with poison and then sucking out their life force, whenever it needs them... But love always sets the beloved free [1]. When you are the fly and you give your whole self to someone who consumes it, "You find yourself starved of your own your own validation, your kindness to your true self. And you've given it all to the other person. And that's when it will not work" [1]. Meanwhile, you may miss the people "who just want to be with you as a whole human, who want to know what your limitations are as well as their own" [1].

She gave an example from her own life. Sick with pneumonia, she insisted on talking to a new friend on the phone anyway. The friend texted back: "do not impinge on your own health because you want me to feel loved. I don't like it. I want you to be healthy" [1]. That's the kind of love Beck points to: one that doesn't want you to sacrifice yourself for it.

The test. Beck's line between love and codependency is whether you can state what you need and have it respected. Examine "the moment where you become so entranced with another that you stop caring about yourself and try to feed your whole life to them because that is not love." She says our culture often calls this love, and "a lot of parents love their children that way." But "you have to be able to know exactly what you want to communicate to the other person and to have them say, I completely respect that. Or you don't have a love situation, you have codependency" [1].

Find the first moment you lost yourself. Her practical advice is to "start to notice the first moment when part of you, a deep part of you knew you were losing your threat. You were losing your integrity," which she says usually happens very early in a relationship [1]. She encourages being detailed about noticing your own suffering, and she believes the same pattern tends to show up everywhere, at work and at home [1]. The foundation is her idea of integrity: being one whole thing. We're born knowing who we are and are then socialized away from our own truth to please others. As she puts it, "a divided person is always anxious" [1].

Real empathy has limits. Huberman noted that empathy for another person's pleasure "can go too far," and that when we lose ourselves, part of us gets cut off from our own needs [1]. Beck explained that real empathy includes two skills beyond feeling: self-other awareness and emotion regulation [1]. She quoted Byron Katie's view that one good thing about separate bodies is that when you hurt, I don't, and explained it this way: "when you're hurting, and I start to hurt too much because you're hurting, I can bring myself back into my own body, relax, and be contented in my own skin so that I can be present for you" [1]. Her favorite illustration is a line from the Persian poet Hafez: "Troubled. Then stay with me for I am not." "That's being yourself in a relationship," she said: you can see how unhappy someone is and still not be unhappy yourself [1].

She is firm that "it is never your job to make another person happy"; happiness is an inside job [1]. When she was a parent, her oldest child, as a teenager, gave her a song called "Let Me Fall," asking her to stop rescuing them from their own life [1].

Expect pushback, and go gently. When you stop overgiving, people used to receiving it may be hurt. Beck compares this to taking an addict's bottle away: the overgiving was what was harmful [1]. She describes an "extinction burst," comparing it to pigeons pecking frantically once the food pellets stop, and to her young golden retriever, who stopped demanding to be petted once the family calmly left the room [1]. After her own abrupt year of radical honesty, she now recommends a gentler route: "one degree turns," small daily adjustments, like making tea for a sore throat or canceling a meeting you don't want, that add up to a very different destination [1]. Her tool for daily self-care is KIST, short for kind internal self talk: speaking to yourself the way a loving caregiver would, which she says makes you more compassionate to others because you're no longer at war with your own suffering [1].

Joe Dispenza: need versus worthiness

Joe Dispenza's conversation with Lewis Howes starts from the idea that love isn't something you find or receive but something you generate [2]. His first exercise is to write down everything you want in a partner and then become it yourself, and he asks a pointed question: "Would you go out with you?" [2].

In his view, need is the core problem. Neediness pushes others away because it comes from lack, while real love comes from fullness. When you're so whole that you don't need anything, he says, you attract people who are also whole [2]. His line: "When you feel so whole that it's impossible to want—you no longer draw from the field. You give to it" [2]. He goes further, saying you can experience deeper love alone in meditation than with any person, and that when that happens, you're no longer looking for love because you are it [2].

He explains what keeps people stuck in terms of emotional habit. Most people, he says, aren't really single; they're still in relationships with old emotional patterns. Every thought releases chemicals, so dwelling on an ex or an old wrong reproduces the chemistry of the original event, and resentment, fear and shame become part of your identity. People anchored this way can walk right past a good partner without recognizing them [2]. He adds claims about the heart producing a magnetic field that extends up to three meters from the body and, when coherent, sending signals that create gamma waves in the brain. That's the basis for his idea of feeling your future before it arrives [2]. These are his framework and claims, offered in the conversation without cited studies, so readers should treat them as his model, not settled science.

Dispenza carries the principle into partnership. "I will never work on a relationship," he says, because when two whole people each bring their best selves, the union amplifies both. If one partner becomes reactive, the answer isn't to fix the relationship but to return to your own inner coherence: take space, reground, then re-engage from love rather than defensiveness [2]. If a partner won't grow with you, don't drag them; stay joyful, and if they pull away, let them, because your happiness doesn't depend on their growth [2]. He closes with the idea that the opposite of love isn't fear but separation, and that the more whole you become, the more open you are to receive [2].

Laura Berman: from codependency to self-worth

Sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, also talking with Lewis Howes, draws a distinction at the heart of this topic. Self-esteem says, "I'm valuable because I do X." Self-worth says, "I'm worthy because I exist" [3]. Many people, she says, stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear, codependency or unresolved wounds, and real partnership starts with wholeness: "You must be your own delicious cake. Your partner is just the icing" [3].

For Berman, getting there means facing old wounds. We all carry trauma, big or small, that affects our capacity for intimacy, and we protect ourselves by disconnecting emotionally and physically [3]. Healing means facing your shadows, the "monsters in the basement," with support, and stopping the habit of bypassing pain through positive thinking, addiction or numbing [3]. Shame can't survive being seen: "Shame, when exposed to the light, evaporates" [3]. She also works on being present in the body, noting that "Most of us are walking around not home in our bodies," and recommending breathwork and body scans to reconnect with sensation [3].

Her personal story shows what freedom from an unhealthy bond can look like. She forgave her narcissistic father as he lay dying, not for his sake but for hers. "Forgiveness isn't for them. It's so you stop being a slave to the pain." Her father, who had never apologized in his life, tearfully apologized back [3].

Berman also reframes endings. Instead of fearing breakups, she suggests celebrating them when they're done with clarity and kindness: each relationship teaches you about yourself, and when it ends you're not losing love but graduating with wisdom. Couples should reflect on what they learned, forgive themselves and each other, and bless and release each other in love [3]. In her closing view, love isn't found by fixing your partner but by becoming a partner who no longer fears the basement [3].

Mel Robbins and Chrissy Teigen: stop outsourcing your worth

Mel Robbins's episode applies the same idea to approval in general: from partners, bosses, family and strangers online. The trigger was a conversation she recorded for Chrissy Teigen's podcast, in which Teigen, despite her success, four children and marriage to John Legend, described her biggest battle: "I wish that I weren't so misunderstood and I wish people knew how good I was and it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life" [4].

Where it comes from. Teigen said that since she was little she wanted love and affection, had a parent who wasn't very affectionate, and felt she was someone to be shown off; performing and being good earned praise, and she's wanted to be good for everybody ever since [4]. She also described childhood interactions with adults, including sexual ones, that led her to believe she and her body were for everybody, one reason she's in therapy [4]. Robbins says the underlying pattern is universal. It's natural as a child to be deeply, deeply connected to the people around you and attuned to them and looking to them for positive signaling that you're okay and that you're good... but when we are adults, we have to pull that back to ourselves [4]. Otherwise, "when you outsource yourself worth, when you outsource the positive affirmations to other people's opinions, you will never feel safe" [4].

Psychiatrist Paul Conti, in a clip Robbins played, explains why. Children can't think abstractly, so when a stressed parent snaps at a child who asks for a drink, the child doesn't conclude that the parent is having a bad day; they conclude it's their fault. "So we attribute the negative things around us to ourselves" [4]. Conti cites the English physician Winnicott's goal of raising children to feel good enough: solidly able to face what needs fixing and get back up when knocked down. If we didn't get that as children, he says, we can build it later in life [4].

The cost. Teigen described what this looks like in practice: "The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking." She rarely leaves the house because after any interaction, even at the grocery store, she dwells on whether people had a good experience. "It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself. And I don't know what it's like to not be that way" [4]. Robbins told her she was in a prison because she had handed control of her worth to other people's reactions [4]. When Teigen protested that she could control it "by being really good," Robbins said no, and asked whether Teigen could control what Robbins would say about her to her own daughters afterward. Teigen admitted she couldn't [4].

Robbins widened it to ordinary days: an email or a boss's mood sends you spiraling, and "We're basically saying that our worth lies in what another human being thinks about us." Her answer: "Your boss is bad mood, doesn't mean you're a bad person" [4].

Let them, let me, and two truths at once. Robbins's tool has two parts. Saying "let them means letting others think and feel what they will. She presents it as practicing Conti's attribution in reverse: assigning someone's bad mood to them rather than to your self-worth [4]. Saying let me puts your power back in the three things you control: your thoughts, your actions and how you process your emotions [4]. She adds that two things can be true at once": "somebody can be disappointed in you and still like you or love you. Somebody can misunderstand you and you can still be a good person. Somebody can have a negative thought about you and you can still have positive self-worth" [4].

To prove it, she asked Teigen whether John, the person who loves her most and with whom she feels safest, ever has negative thoughts about her. Teigen said no, and Robbins called that "Balloney" [4]. Then they traded examples. Teigen admitted their fights are about scheduling and time together, and that his even-keeled nature sometimes frustrates her. Robbins admitted annoyance when her husband eats cereal instead of making dinner after she worked late [4]. The point: negative thoughts don't mean less love, and with the thousands of thoughts people have every day, you'll never be able to guarantee what anyone thinks of you [4].

Robbins doesn't ask anyone to stop caring entirely: it's important to care what other people think. Otherwise, you'd be a selfish jerk... What you need to do is care more about what you think [4]. She also tells Teigen that her children are watching how much strangers affect her, and that by focusing on what's hers to manage, she can show them their opinion of themselves matters most [4]. Her summary line: "You don't have to live like this" [4].

Where They Agree, and Where They Don't

They agree that nobody else can make you feel enough. Beck: "it is never your job to make another person happy," and happiness is an inside job [1]. Dispenza: love is generated within, and neediness pushes it away [2]. Berman: be your own cake; your partner is the icing [3]. Robbins: "you are the person that determines your worth" [4]. Each rejects the idea that a partner, or an audience, can supply your sense of worth.

They agree that the pattern usually starts early. Beck says we're born knowing who we are and are socialized away from it to please others [1]. Robbins and Conti trace self-blame to how children attribute adults' moods to themselves [4], and Teigen links her people-pleasing to childhood praise and harm [4]. Berman points to trauma, big or small, that teaches us to disconnect [3]. Dispenza puts the cause in emotional memories that become an identity [2].

They agree that the fix is internal work, with outside support. Beck's practices are noticing when you lose your integrity, kind internal self-talk and one-degree turns [1]. Berman stresses facing your shadows with support [3]. Teigen is in therapy [4]. Dispenza puts his faith in meditation and self-regulation [2].

They differ on how much to care about others. This is the sharpest difference. Dispenza's ideal is to be so whole "that it's impossible to want," with deeper love available alone in meditation than with any person [2]. Robbins deliberately stops short of that: caring what others think is healthy, and not caring would make you "a selfish jerk"; the goal is to care more about what you think [4]. Beck lands in between. She loves deeply and values the "perfect circle" of mutual love Huberman described, but she insists empathy must be paired with self-other awareness and emotion regulation so you can stay present without being consumed [1]. Their reasons differ: Dispenza is describing a spiritual ideal of wholeness, while Robbins and Beck are describing how to live well among people you'll keep caring about.

They differ on what worth rests on. Berman says real self-worth is "I'm worthy because I exist," as opposed to self-esteem tied to doing [3]. Robbins's version of good enough is knowing "based on your thoughts and actions that you're a good person" [4], which ties worth to how you act, though judged by you instead of by others. Both move the judge inside; they differ on whether there's anything to earn.

They differ on endings. Berman celebrates conscious breakups as graduations [3], and Dispenza says to let a partner go if they pull away [2]. Beck takes endings seriously too, and helped Huberman see that ending a relationship can be the loving choice, but she now recommends gentle, gradual change over violent breaks [1]. Robbins's episode focuses on changing your own stance rather than leaving: Teigen's marriage is described as extraordinary, and the work is to stop handing her power to strangers [4].

Why It Works

Pressure to perform keeps you anxious. Robbins's argument is about control: you can't control what someone else thinks, so any energy spent trying creates stress and anxiety [4]. As long as your goodness depends on others' moods, "you're never going to be in control of it" [4]. Beck puts it in terms of wholeness: "a divided person is always anxious" [1].

Childhood attribution explains why it's so sticky. Conti's explanation is that children without abstract thought attribute others' negativity to themselves, and those early lessons are hard to undo [4]. Beck's integrity framing is similar: we're socialized away from our own truth [1]. Huberman adds that adults often run adult lives on childhood-based patterns, because the brain repurposes childhood circuitry [1].

Regulating yourself lets you stay present for others. Beck's point is that empathy without self-other awareness means you hurt when they hurt, and then you can't help [1]. Bringing yourself back into your own body lets you be present [1].

Need repels, wholeness attracts. Dispenza's view is that neediness comes from lack and repels, while fullness attracts people who are also whole [2]. Beck's spider metaphor shows the other side: need turned into consumption drains the person being loved [1].

Shame loses its power when it's seen. Berman argues that shame "evaporates" when exposed to the light, which is why facing it with support matters more than bypassing it [3].

Mixed feelings are normal in love. Robbins's "two things can be true at once" undoes the belief that any negative thought means rejection. Even the people who love you most have negative thoughts about you, and still love you [4].

Where It Applies, and Where It Doesn't

This applies most clearly to people who recognize themselves in the patterns the sources describe: rushing into relationships and being unable to leave them [1], wanting a partner's joy more than your own [1], staying out of fear [3], or replaying every interaction to check whether people approved [4].

Some caveats from the sources:

• Caring is not the problem. Robbins says caring what others think is normal and good; the problem is using it against yourself [4]. Beck values deep mutual love, and Huberman described its healthy form as feeling "like a perfect circle" [1].
• Children are a special case. Robbins notes that parents do need to help children process their emotions, even though adults aren't responsible for other adults' feelings [4]. Beck warns that many parents love their children in a codependent way, and her own teenager asked to be allowed to fall [1].
• Pushback isn't proof you're wrong. When you stop overgiving, expect an "extinction burst" of protest before things settle [1].
• Change can be gradual. Beck's one-degree turns are an alternative to overturning your whole life at once [1].
• Some of the explanations are contested. Dispenza's claims about the heart's magnetic field and gamma waves are his own, offered in the conversation without cited evidence [2].
• Deep roots may need a professional. Teigen links her patterns to childhood harm and is in therapy [4]; Berman stresses facing trauma with support [3]. If self-punishment, trauma or an unhealthy relationship is involved, a licensed therapist is worth the help.

What To Do With It

1. Find the first moment you lost yourself. Look back at a relationship for the early point when part of you knew you were losing your integrity, and watch for that feeling next time [1].
2. Test whether your needs are respected. Say plainly what you need. If the answer isn't some version of "I completely respect that," Beck says you have codependency, not love [1].
3. Say "let them," then "let me." Let others think and feel what they will, and turn your attention to your thoughts, your actions and how you process your emotions [4].
4. Remember that two things can be true. Someone can be disappointed in you and still love you; a negative thought doesn't cancel love [4].
5. Practice empathy with a boundary. When someone you love is hurting, bring yourself back into your body and relax so you can be present without taking on their pain: "Troubled. Then stay with me for I am not" [1].
6. Talk to yourself like a caregiver. Use kind internal self-talk instead of self-punishment, especially on bad days [1][4].
7. Separate worth from performance. Practice Berman's distinction between "I'm valuable because I do X" and "I'm worthy because I exist" [3], and ask Dispenza's question: "Would you go out with you?" [2].
8. Make one-degree turns. Choose small daily acts of self-respect, like resting when sick or canceling a meeting you don't want, instead of an overnight overhaul [1].
9. Expect pushback and hold steady. When others protest your new boundaries, treat it as an extinction burst, not a reason to go back [1].
10. Get support for the deep parts. Face your shadows with help rather than numbing them [3], and consider therapy if old wounds drive the pattern [4].

Sources

1. Dr Martha Beck Access Your Best Self With Mind Body Practices Belief Testing Imagination · Huberman Lab
2. Dr. Joe Dispenza: Transform Your Mind for Lasting Love (Part 1) · The School of Greatness
3. How to Create a Lasting Relationship & Build Intimacy with Dr. Laura Berman · The School of Greatness
4. How to Stop Caring What People Think of You · The Mel Robbins Podcast