Marriage, sex and singleness: Paul, the Song of Songs and a pastor

The three biblical books summarized here, and one pastor, say much more than do not have sex before marriage. Together they hold that intimacy is good, that it belongs within covenant, and that keeping it there takes love and work.

Paul's first letter to the Corinthians answers a church's questions in three plain statements. Marriage is good, but so is singleness. Each person should live as God calls them, with undivided devotion. Sex in marriage is honorable, and spouses should serve one another. His reason for restraint is the body's worth: "You were bought with a price; therefore honor God with your body." Chapter 13 puts love above every gift, as patient, kind, humble and enduring.

Ephesians roots conduct in grace already received. Its marriage passage begins with a command to everyone to submit to one another, then asks wives to submit as to the Lord and husbands to love sacrificially, as Christ loved the church.

The Song of Solomon celebrates desire openly. The lovers praise each other, a wedding procession comes before the consummation, a conflict and reunion follow, and the book ends on a love that is exclusive, cannot be bought and endures. The summary says the book places romantic and sexual love within dignity, mutuality and holiness.

Pastor Michael Todd supplies the daily practice. He grew up in church with no guidance beyond the one prohibition, and says he rebuilt himself and his relationship with his wife of ten years. Desire for others does not vanish, he says, so discipline governs the reaction to the feeling. He and his wife talk openly, because isolation leads from coping to habit to addiction. He goes past honesty to transparency, offering the truth before being asked. A shared faith gives them something above emotion to appeal to. And on repair he says "Trust is lost in buckets," and regained in drops.

The sources agree that desire is real and good, that it belongs inside a covenant, that covenant love is measured by service, and that good marriages include failure and repair.

They differ in emphasis. Only Paul speaks to the person who will not marry, and he does so with respect. Ephesians alone includes the instruction to wives, framed within mutual submission, and how to apply it is a question these sources leave open. Paul orders an unrepentant man expelled, while Todd preaches progression over perfection, though the cases differ. The article also cautions that Todd does not discuss Ephesians or the Song, so the link between his habits and those texts is the article's own.

There are limits. These are Christian sources that assume a Christian reader, and the biblical material is too brief to settle questions such as divorce or remarriage. Patience has limits too. Todd says some situations, especially those involving infidelity, are unhealthy and cannot progress, and nothing here asks anyone to remain in harm. He says everybody should be in counseling, and a couple in serious difficulty should seek a counselor or pastor they trust.

What to do with it: replace the single rule with the fuller picture. If you are single, treat it as a calling, not a waiting room. Admit the feeling and decide the response. Do not go silent with your spouse. Offer the truth before you are asked. Agree on what you will appeal to when you disagree. If you broke trust, refill it in drops and expect it to take far longer than the breaking did. Affirm each other out loud, and measure love by service.