Mental health is not feeling good: why fitting distress means you're well
October 13, 2026 · 26 min read
Psychologist Lisa Damour says being mentally well means having feelings that fit your circumstances and managing them well, therapist KC Davis says falling apart is sometimes a sign you are well, Mel Robbins and her colleagues call upset at a big change a sign you are well, and Susan David rejects the idea of good and bad emotions and warns against forced positivity. People who read every hard feeling as a symptom can ask instead whether the feeling fits what is happening, and keep their worry for the real warning signs.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Damour's two questions: do the feelings fit the circumstance, and are they managed well?
- Damour: sadness after a breakup or anxiety before an unprepared-for test is expected; its absence is more concerning.
- Damour's first red flag: mood that disturbs the ability to live one's life.
- Damour's second red flag, costly coping: abusing substances, harshness toward others, running yourself down, self-harm.
- Davis: worry when the collapse becomes chronic and nonfunctional, and you cannot even begin a task.
- Davis: shame is arresting and self-compassion is motivating, so check the sentence you tell yourself.
- Davis: rest, then launder one outfit; use 5% momentum to do 5% of the task.
- Davis's crisis kit: paper plates, outsourced chores where the budget allows, a laundry basket and trash can in every room.
- Robbins: upset about a change you wanted does not mean the change will be bad.
- David: emotions are data, not directives; ask which action fits your values.
- David: forced positivity is emotional avoidance, and avoidant coping is associated with more depression, anxiety and burnout.
- David: expressive writing, even 20 minutes a day for three days, helps.
- Damour: avoidance feeds anxiety; take small steps toward the feared thing.
- Damour: if you are worried someone may be suicidal, ask; asking does not plant the idea.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.