Skill, not will: why rewards and punishments backfire with kids
September 29, 2026 · 19 min read
Stuart Ablon and Becky Kennedy argue that challenging behavior usually reflects a missing skill rather than a lack of motivation, so sticker charts and punishments miss the point. Solving problems together builds the skills that make good behavior possible.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Core idea: challenging behavior usually reflects a missing skill, not missing will.
- Stuart Ablon: if a child could do well, they would.
- Ablon's five skill areas: language, attention and working memory, emotion regulation, flexibility, social thinking.
- Ablon: external rewards reduce inner drive and damage self-esteem.
- Ablon: consequences need impulse control, which these kids lack.
- Plan A imposes your will; Plan B collaborates; Plan C drops the expectation for now.
- Plan B's order: empathy, then your concern, then brainstorm solutions together.
- Ablon's empathy tools: clarifying questions, tentative guesses, reflecting back, reassurance.
- Ablon: describe problems as situations and triggers, not labels like disrespect.
- Becky Kennedy: children have all the feelings and none of the skills to manage them.
- Kennedy: tying behavior to identity creates shame, which blocks learning.
- Kennedy: a boundary is what you will do; hold it, then validate the feelings.
- Kennedy: do nothing in the heat of the moment; teach skills when calm.
- Self-harm or substance use: see a qualified child psychologist or family therapist.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.