Talk to your aging parents now: caregiving, money and end-of-life wishes
MIT AgeLab's Joseph Coughlin calls caregiving the conversation nobody is having and names health, money and the car keys as the topics to raise, death doula Alua Arthur explains how to open the conversation about dying with parents, Ravi Patel looks at how other cultures care for aging parents, and Vivian Tu addresses the sandwich generation paying for parents and children at once. They agree the talk is far easier before a crisis, and that avoiding it leaves families guessing at the worst moment.
Talk to your aging parents now, before a fall, a diagnosis or a bank balance forces the conversation. Most families expect to look after one another in old age, and very few have said so out loud. Four people from very different fields agree that the talk is far easier early, that it is many conversations and not one, and that the practical is the way in.
Joseph Coughlin, who directs the MIT AgeLab, puts numbers on the gap. Seventy percent of people believe a partner or adult child will care for them, and only 30 percent have had the conversation. He takes the blame out of it, since several generations living at once for decades is new. His framework is four words: who will give care and make decisions, where care will happen, what matters most to the person, and how it will be paid for. He says to do it gently and more than once. Caregivers name three pressure points: health, money and transportation. On taking the car keys, he says to look for a pattern and not react to age: "Birthdays do not kill. Health conditions do." He also warns that fraud is more likely to come from someone close.
Alua Arthur, a death doula, says older people often want to talk about death, and it is their children who turn away. A parent who keeps asking what you want from the house is already having the conversation. For a closed parent, come in sideways by asking about a friend's death. Her practical questions cover who should make decisions, life support, and what should be done with the body, and the deeper questions come after.
Vivian Tu, who teaches personal finance, tells adult children squeezed between their kids and their parents to ask about retirement money now, because "it is better to know now". If parents are behind, finding out early leaves room to raise contributions or consider a smaller home.
Ravi Patel, an actor who says he is not an expert, describes families that are expected to stay together and care for each other, and says they fight but stick together.
They differ on where care should happen. Patel is critical of nursing homes, while Coughlin treats home, living with children and senior living as legitimate choices, and counts the cost to the caregiver, usually a spouse or the oldest daughter. They also differ on who is reluctant.
Some limits apply. Not every parent will engage, and where there has been real harm an adult child's first duty may be to themselves. Most adult children cannot rescue a parent financially, so find out and plan without promising more than you have. Do not take over. Wishes change, so revisit them.
What to do with it: start with something concrete. Notice the openings your parents already offer. Work through who, where, what and how. Write down the end-of-life answers and tell the family. Plan rides before the keys go. Make sure more than one trusted person understands the finances. Ask the caregiver how they are doing. Review your own plans yearly.
This is general information, not legal, financial or medical advice. For decisions about your own family, speak with qualified professionals.