The second arrow: pain comes from the event, suffering from the mind
Mel Robbins teaches the Buddhist image of a first arrow that hits you and a second one you fire at yourself, Martha Beck separates clean suffering from dirty suffering and flips the painful thought, stress scientist Elissa Epel says the harm lies less in the event than in how long we keep it alive in our minds afterward, and Peter Sage traces most suffering to life not fitting the pictures we hold of it. Seeing which part of a bad day was the event and which part was added afterward shows a person the only part they can actually reduce.
In Mel Robbins's two-arrow image, what is the first arrow? Show answer
It is the painful event itself, the arrow life fires at your heart, such as a breakup, a bill you can't afford or a frightening silence from someone you love.
What is the second arrow made of, according to Robbins? Show answer
The worry, the anxiety and the catastrophizing: your own reaction, fired at yourself based on what you think next.
What are the six words Robbins uses to stop a worry spiral, and what do they do? Show answer
"What if it all works out?" The question stops the spiral and makes you realize you do not know what is going to happen.
How does Martha Beck define clean and dirty suffering? Show answer
Clean suffering is the pain of the event itself, like being punched. Dirty suffering comes from our thoughts about events.
What must happen before Beck's flip of a painful thought? Show answer
You have to really listen to the suffering until you are sick of it; flip too early and the ego clings to the thought to defend itself.
According to Elissa Epel, when does a stress response become harmful? Show answer
Not when we mount it and recover, which does no harm, but when we keep it alive in our head with our thoughts.
What is Epel's radical acceptance exercise? Show answer
List the situations that stress you, circle the ones you can't change, and notice how much time goes to solving them, worrying or wishing they were different.
What two questions did Epel's group ask caregivers in the evening? Show answer
In the last five minutes, how much have you been wishing things were different, and how engaged and focused were you in what you were doing?
What are Epel's three bins of tools for stress? Show answer
Top-down tools such as beliefs and what we say to ourselves, bottom-up tools that work stress out of the body, and changing the scene to a calming place.
Where does Peter Sage say all stress comes from? Show answer
From life not fitting your pictures, meaning the outer world does not match what you think it should be.
Why does Sage say the question you ask yourself matters so much? Show answer
He says the brain is like a faithful Labrador that fetches an answer to whatever is posed, so a lousy question brings back a muddy justification.
How do Robbins and Beck differ on handling the second arrow? Show answer
Robbins wants to stop it the moment she notices it, while Beck lets the fear speak fully first and flips the thought only afterward.