What a real apology contains, and why 'I was stressed' isn't one
Jefferson Fisher says to apologize for what your stress did to the other person, not for being stressed, Becky Kennedy lays out the anatomy of a good apology, Esther Perel links apology to accountability and forgiveness, Lori Gottlieb separates shame from guilt in apologizing, and the Robbins kids credit their parents for apologizing fast. Knowing what an apology has to include stops people from offering excuses that leave the other person more hurt.
According to Jefferson Fisher, why is "I'm sorry, I was just so stressed" not a real apology? Show answer
It apologizes for what the stress did to you, not for what your behavior did to the other person, so their hurt goes unaddressed.
What line does Fisher suggest saying when someone blames their bad behavior on stress? Show answer
Say it calmly and quietly: "you don't need to apologize for what your stress has done to you. But you do need to apologize for what it did to me."
What step does Becky Kennedy put before the apology itself? Show answer
Repairing with yourself, by separating who you are from what you did. Her mantra is "I'm a good parent who is having a hard time," and she says it to herself.
What key line does Kennedy add to "I'm sorry I yelled"? Show answer
"It is never your fault when I yell." It tells the child where responsibility sits so they don't blame themselves.
Which two kinds of non-apology does Kennedy say children push away? Show answer
"I'm sorry you felt that way," and an apology followed by a "but" that blames the child.
According to Huberman, what makes most apologies incomplete? Show answer
They admit a mistake but don't acknowledge what the other person felt in response.
How does Esther Perel distinguish accepting an apology from forgiving? Show answer
An apology passes between two people. Forgiveness is the hurt person's freedom, decided on their own timeline and possibly alone.
How does Lori Gottlieb define shame versus guilt? Show answer
Shame is "I am bad," while guilt is "I did something bad." She sees guilt as the appropriate response to hurting someone.
What question does Gottlieb say to ask yourself about an apology? Show answer
Who is this apology for? Many apologies are really meant to relieve the apologizer's own shame.
What does Mel Robbins credit for her family surviving the parents' mistakes? Show answer
She and Chris are really fast and good at apologizing and taking responsibility for what they did wrong.
What do the Robbins family and Gottlieb suggest if stress, anger or shame keeps spilling onto others? Show answer
Talk to a licensed therapist.