What Porn Does to Relationships: A Urologist, Therapist, Pastor and Two Psychologists
Five experts approach pornography from different angles. Urologist Rena Malik treats it as a habit to manage, sex therapist Laura Berman as miseducation that honest conversation can correct, Pastor Michael Todd as an addiction that grows in isolation and is undone by transparency, evolutionary psychologist David Buss as a product that exploits an evolved desire, and psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary as a force shaping children before they meet real intimacy. They largely agree that porn is a poor teacher, and they divide over whether ordinary use is a problem at all.
According to Rena Malik, when is masturbating to porn okay? Show answer
When your relationships, work and life are going well. She warns that shame itself causes real problems.
What term does the literature use instead of "porn addiction," according to Malik? Show answer
It calls it problematic pornography use.
What is Malik's habituation concern? Show answer
The body can get used to stimulation a partner can't replicate, such as a particular content type, device or tight grip. This can make partnered sex less arousing.
What is Malik's remedy for habituation? Show answer
Variety rather than abstinence. Take a break, vary technique and use lubricant.
On average, how long do women take to orgasm in partnered sex, per Malik? Show answer
About 12 to 14 minutes.
Why does Laura Berman now warn women, too, against learning sex from porn? Show answer
Women watch it to learn what men want, then perform acts like asking to be choked, which they don't actually enjoy.
What did Berman's research find best predicts sexual satisfaction in women? Show answer
Emotional intimacy and connection, not orgasms or anything physical about a partner.
How does Michael Todd distinguish honesty from transparency? Show answer
Honesty is telling the truth when asked. Transparency is offering the truth before being asked, because the most important questions are too frightening to ask.
What is Todd's image for how trust is lost and rebuilt? Show answer
Trust is lost in buckets and regained in drops. One act can empty years of trust, and it must be refilled slowly and diligently.
How does David Buss explain porn's appeal? Show answer
It exploits men's evolved desire for sexual variety.
Why does Shefali Tsabary say porn hooks boys? Show answer
It gives instant dopamine without rejection, failure, foreplay or skill, which robs them of the friction that builds resilience and grit.
What does Shefali say happens to unmentored boys? Show answer
They get mentored by porn and the manosphere. She urges finding them a wise big brother or uncle to talk about their bodies.