Busyness as avoidance: when overworking hides something you'd rather not feel

The Short Version

Constant busyness often isn't about having too much to do. It can be a way of not feeling something. Somatic psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons calls busyness an avoidance strategy that keeps people out of contact with their own pain [1]. Physician Gabor Maté traces chronic people-pleasing and the inability to say no to childhood adaptations that exhaust the body and, over time, can damage it [2]. Psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin says burnout and people-pleasing come from a lack of internal boundaries, and that "the pause is the boundary" [3]. Jonathan Fields adds a related diagnosis: burnout builds up when people keep doing work that clashes with what nourishes them and never deal with that conflict [4]. If busyness is a way of coping, a better calendar won't fix it. What helps is pausing long enough to notice what you're running from, and setting boundaries so you can say no, or say yes to rest [1][2][3][4].

Table of contents

What They Said

Dr. Scott Lyons: busyness is the water you're swimming in

Mel Robbins opens her conversation with Dr. Lyons with David Foster Wallace's parable of two young fish who, when asked "how's the water?", reply, "What's water?" [1]. Busyness, she suggests, is our water. It's so constant that we stop noticing it. We cancel plans, multitask even in moments of connection, open the laptop instead of making eye contact, and look at our phones in line rather than be alone with ourselves, until the pace feels normal [1].

Dr. Lyons states the central claim directly: "Busyness is often an avoidance strategy. It's how we stay out of contact with our own pain, vulnerability, or unprocessed emotions" [1]. On this view, every to-do list, packed calendar and unnecessary errand may be a way of not having to sit with yourself [1]. He suggests two questions: what would come up if there were no distractions, and what do you avoid feeling by constantly doing? [1]

Where it comes from. Dr. Lyons places the root in childhood. Many people learned early to earn love through performance [1]. The episode cites an African proverb: "A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth" [1]. A child who got attention only when they succeeded, achieved or pleased others may absorb the belief "I am valuable when I am doing something" [1]. So they keep doing. The reason isn't laziness or drive. Doing became the way to survive [1].

The biology. Dr. Lyons argues the pattern is neurological as well as emotional [1]. Constant doing delivers small dopamine rewards. When you stop, the nervous system panics, because stillness feels unsafe [1]. Over time the body's baseline shifts to activation, which brings poor sleep, constant tension, emotional reactivity and disconnection from joy and peace [1]. He frames this as a nervous-system problem, not a productivity problem [1].

Busy isn't productive. Dr. Lyons notes that busy people are often "hyper-focused in one area of life while the rest is falling apart—relationships, health, rest, home" [1]. Many use busyness to distract from grief, loneliness or emptiness, and stay in chaos because calm feels foreign or even threatening [1].

Helping others can be avoidance too. When Robbins asks how to help someone else who's addicted to busyness, he answers: "If you're focused on fixing someone else, ask yourself what you're still avoiding in you" [1]. Rescuing others can become one more way to stay busy and in control [1].

His fix starts with a pause. His challenge is simple: "What happens when you pause?" [1] He means it literally: stand in line at a store, sit at home in silence, or drive without music or podcasts, and watch how fast your nervous system protests [1]. That protest is the alarm bell, the habit defending itself [1]. He describes being in the bathtub, feeling the urge to call someone, read or distract himself, and asking instead: "What am I running from right now?" [1] He also recommends a reminder for a nervous system still living in the past: "That was then. This is now." [1]

Gabor Maté: people who can't say no, and what it costs the body

Maté's lens is wider than busyness, but it shows the same pattern. As a family and palliative care doctor who knew many patients before they got sick, he noticed four traits in the people who went on to develop autoimmune disease [2]. In his words, "they tended to put other people's emotional needs ahead of their own and they tended to ignore their own" [2]. They identified with duty, role and responsibility rather than their own needs [2]. "They tended to be very nice, which means they repressed healthy anger" [2]. And they believed they were responsible for how other people feel [2].

The consequence is chronic overload: "those beliefs lead you into not saying no to the demands of the world and you're constantly taking on stuff," absorbing other people's stress along with your own [2]. He argues that medicine notices acute stress flaring a disease but misses the quieter, chronic kind. "What's it like to always have to repress your anger to be pleasing other people," he asks. "You've abandoned yourself, and now your body function is abandoning you" [2].

The mechanism he offers is psychoneuroimmunology: the science showing that the nervous, hormonal, immune and emotional systems work as one system [2]. Healthy anger defends a boundary, and so does the immune system. Suppress one and you suppress the other, so the body can turn against itself just as repressed anger can turn into depression or self-loathing [2]. About 80% of autoimmune patients are women, and Maté says: "It's not a gender issue. It's a cultural issue." The culture trains women to care for everyone else and never be angry [2].

Why people do it. Maté describes two core needs every child has: attachment (the need to belong and be accepted, without which an infant dies) and authenticity (being connected to one's own feelings and gut instincts) [2]. When being authentic threatens acceptance, attachment wins, and the child learns to push feelings down [2]. Adults can stop automatically making that trade [2]. He adds that loss of control is one of the strongest stress triggers, and "Nobody's born a control freak": control is an adaptation learned by children who felt unsafe [2].

Busyness and work as addiction. Maté defines addiction as any behavior that gives temporary relief or pleasure, is craved, causes harm, and isn't given up despite the harm [2]. Behavioral addictions count, including work and busyness. When his own workaholism was interrupted at home, he was irritable and depressed because the dopamine wasn't flowing [2]. His method is to ask what need the behavior serves. When Robbins says doom-scrolling helps her tune out, he pushes further. The real need, he says, is escaping discomfort with herself: she isn't comfortable simply being rather than doing [2]. The goal isn't to fight the behavior but to validate the need and find a harmless way to meet it, such as learning to be with yourself in the hard evening hours without pouring a drink [2]. Robbins realizes she has been fixing the wrong problem by focusing only on not picking up the drink or the phone [2]. His guiding question, applied to any addiction, is to ask why the pain, not why the addiction [2].

His own story. Five years before this conversation, while touring When the Body Says No, his wife Rae joked that he should write a book called When the Wife Says No, because he was driving himself too hard and not being kind to her [2]. He also recalls the top regrets of the dying recorded by a palliative care nurse, including not having the courage to be oneself or express emotions, and wishing one had worked less and played more [2].

Five questions, plus one. Maté's exercise, meant to be done once a week, asks: where do you have trouble saying no; what does that cost you; what belief is behind it; how did you learn that belief; and who would you be without it [2]. For Robbins, the costs were exhaustion, shame, loss of control and blaming others. The belief was a cascade of catastrophes (getting fired, losing the house, people not liking her, her mother being angry), learned as a child who felt keeping everyone happy was her job and kept her safe. Without it, she said, she'd be "Free [2]. Then he adds a sixth: Where are you not saying yes? Robbins's answer was everywhere: to free time to play, to enjoy, to creativity, to rest" [2].

No blame, and hope. Maté insists this isn't about blaming parents, who do their best within their own limits [2]. He also stresses that "you can never heal while you're punishing yourself at the same time" [2]. The hopeful part: "if you change these patterns, you can actually significantly affect the course of your illness" [2].

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin: the pause is the boundary

Dr. Lakshmin, a psychiatrist, links people-pleasing and burnout directly to a lack of internal boundaries [3]. She redefines boundaries. They aren't walls or saying no to everyone. They're about creating space, a pause between stimulus and response that leaves room to decide yes, no or negotiate [3]. "The pause is the boundary. That's where your power lives" [3]. She rates the skill highly: "If I had to teach one psychological skill for life—it would be boundaries" [3].

Three signs you're giving too much [3]:

1. Constant irritability or anger. You snap at people and feel unappreciated, but the real problem is that you're doing too much and ignoring your limits.
2. Expecting constant gratitude. You go above and beyond, then resent it when no one thanks you, because your worth has become tied to being needed.
3. Fantasizing about escape. You daydream about quitting, moving away or running off to a beach. You aren't lazy. You're overloaded and don't have enough boundaries.

On guilt. Setting boundaries triggers guilt, and she treats guilt as just one thought among many, not a moral compass: "Think of guilt as a sushi plate on a conveyor belt. You don't have to pick it up—you can just let it pass" [3]. The aim is to tolerate guilt, not eliminate it, and it gets quieter with practice [3].

Burnout isn't always a collapse. It can be subtle: feeling that life is happening to you, running on default, losing touch with what you want [3]. Boundaries restore choice, and choice restores agency [3]. Her view of self-care fits the same idea. Real self-care isn't the bubble bath or the yoga class. It's the reason behind it, and taking back agency over your time, energy and decisions [3].

Her self-check questions: Do I feel motivated or just overwhelmed? Are there people or situations that constantly drain me? Do I ask for or accept help? Do I set aside time to rest, or just power through? Am I making time for what truly matters to me? If most of the answers are no, your boundaries need rebuilding [3].

Jonathan Fields: burnout as misalignment you never address

Jonathan Fields, founder of Good Life Project, starts from the numbers. Lewis Howes cites an Indeed report that 52% of workers feel burned out [4]. Fields agrees that the pandemic made it worse. Home and work collapsed into one space, and "most people, they never learned how to create that boundary within the same space" [4]. But he insists burnout has been rising for 10 to 15 years, and recent events were just a perfect storm that brought it to the surface [4].

His deeper diagnosis: "the average person tends to wake up in the morning and go to do something that is not necessarily well aligned with a fundamental impulse for work that would nourish them" [4]. Then: "over time, that level of misalignment turns into outright conflict. But we never really deal with it. We never address it" [4]. Doing work that doesn't nourish you, on top of longer hours without boundaries, is "making it that much worse and everything is imploding" [4]. Staying busy and never addressing the conflict is the avoidance.

His body's warning. In the 1990s, as a securities lawyer, Fields worked 100-hour weeks, sometimes without going home for days. His immune system gave out, and an infection ate a hole through his intestine, sending him into emergency surgery [4]. He recovered and went back to work, but kept one question: how could work be done differently, in a way that feels meaningful? [4] Stating clearly that he isn't a doctor, he says his body is his "tell" under psychological or existential stress, even when his mind feels fine [4]. Howes describes constriction in his chest and throat during misaligned relationships, and months of eczema that cleared within days once he stopped doing things he felt were out of integrity with himself [4].

Self-sabotage and what helps. Fields also notes the opposite pattern. When life goes well, many people feel anxious about losing it, and they pull back on the effort and honesty that built the good situation [4]. His antidote combines inner practices that help you "respond rather than react" with "external scaffolding": relationships, environments and default states that make the right actions automatic without relying on willpower [4]. He uses Byron Katie's questions (is it true, where's the evidence for, where's the evidence against) and a daily breathing and meditation practice he's kept for over a decade [4]. He advises anyone facing mental illness or serious emotional struggle to get professional help [4].

Eliminate before you optimize. For Fields, the biggest productivity lever is discernment: asking what you shouldn't be doing at all, like something that takes 40% of your time but contributes 2% to what you care about [4]. His calendar has "KF" blocks, for "keep free [4]. Howes warns that freed time tends to fill up with email and social media, so he schedules free time on purpose [4]. Without meaning as a criterion, Fields warns, you may end up super accomplished and utterly empty inside" [4].

Where They Agree, and Where They Don't

Agreement: the overdoing serves a purpose. Dr. Lyons says busyness keeps people from their pain [1]. Maté says work, scrolling and shopping soothe a need, often discomfort with simply being [2]. Dr. Lakshmin describes worth built on being needed [3]. Fields describes people who keep working without dealing with a growing conflict [4]. In each case, the activity is doing emotional work.

Agreement: the roots are early and learned. Dr. Lyons traces the belief "I am valuable when I am doing something" to childhood love earned through performance [1]. Maté traces people-pleasing to children trading authenticity for attachment, and says these early stories stick because young children live in almost hypnotic states [2].

Agreement: the body pays. Dr. Lyons describes a nervous system stuck in activation, with poor sleep and constant tension [1]. Maté links chronic self-abandonment to autoimmune disease [2]. Fields's immune system gave out after years of 100-hour weeks, and Howes's eczema cleared when he stopped acting out of integrity [4].

Agreement: the fix is a pause and a boundary, not more efficiency. Dr. Lyons prescribes deliberate stillness [1]. Dr. Lakshmin calls the pause itself the boundary [3]. Maté's exercise is about where you can't say no and where you aren't saying yes [2]. Fields removes low-value work and protects "keep free" time [4].

Where they differ: what's being avoided. Dr. Lyons and Maté point inward, to unprocessed emotions, childhood wounds and fear of losing acceptance [1][2]. Fields is more about the work itself. His main cause is doing work that doesn't match your wiring, plus a world that erased the boundary between home and work [4]. For him, busyness hides a mismatch you haven't faced, which may be less about old pain than about never asking what nourishes you. These views can fit together, but they point to different first steps: healing the old pattern [1][2] versus redesigning the work [4].

Where they differ: how much biology to claim. Dr. Lyons frames busyness as dopamine-driven and neurological [1]. Maté makes the biggest claim, linking chronic people-pleasing to autoimmune illness through psychoneuroimmunology [2]. Fields is careful to say he isn't a doctor and describes the body as a "tell," not a cause [4]. Dr. Lakshmin stays with psychology and behavior [3].

Where they differ: where to start. Dr. Lakshmin advises not starting with family, the hardest place to change patterns, and starting small instead [3]. Maté's first case in the conversation is Robbins's relationship with her mother, and he asks how the belief was learned there [2]. The approaches complement each other: understand the family roots, but practice new boundaries somewhere easier first.

Why It Works

The sources describe a loop and explain why breaking it takes a pause rather than a schedule.

Doing brings relief, stopping brings alarm. Constant activity gives small dopamine rewards, and stillness triggers a nervous-system protest because it feels unsafe [1]. Maté describes the same withdrawal: when his work was interrupted, he felt irritable and depressed because the dopamine wasn't flowing [2]. That's why time-management tricks backfire. Freed time gets filled right away, as Howes notes with email and social media [4], because the problem was never a shortage of time.

The belief underneath runs things. If worth feels conditional on doing [1], or safety on keeping everyone happy [2], then saying no feels dangerous and every request gets a yes. Maté's questions go straight to that belief and ask where it was learned, because it formed when children had no other choice [2].

Suppressed anger and weakened boundaries. Maté's model treats healthy anger and the immune system as both defending a boundary. Chronically suppressing one wears down the other [2]. Fields and Howes offer personal examples of the body reacting to misalignment, without claiming a mechanism [4].

The pause creates choice. Dr. Lakshmin's definition explains why the pause matters: the space between stimulus and response is where yes, no or negotiate becomes possible [3]. Without it, you run on default. That default feeling, of life happening to you, is her description of subtle burnout [3]. Dr. Lyons's questions in that pause ("What am I running from right now?") uncover what the busyness was covering [1].

Guilt is tolerated, not solved. Boundaries bring guilt. Dr. Lakshmin's method is to let it pass rather than obey it, and it fades with practice [3]. Maté's remark that you can't heal while punishing yourself points the same way: shame keeps the cycle going [2].

Scaffolding beats willpower. Fields cites Katie Milkman's research on behavior change: the right relationships, environments and defaults make good choices automatic, so you don't have to win the same fight every day [4].

Where It Applies, and Where It Doesn't

Not all busyness is avoidance. Fields accepts that real outside pressures drove burnout up, including collapsed work-home boundaries and a global health crisis that left people without the bandwidth to redesign their work [4]. The avoidance lens fits best when overwork keeps going after the outside pressure eases, or when stillness itself feels intolerable [1].

Some work genuinely drains you. Fields's anti-Sparketype idea says certain kinds of effort are depleting for a particular person. Knowing that removes shame, because draining work stops feeling like proof of laziness [4]. Sometimes the fix is changing the work, not searching for hidden pain.

Health claims need care. Maté links people-pleasing patterns to autoimmune disease based on his clinical observation and psychoneuroimmunology [2]. Fields explicitly says he isn't a doctor [4]. Neither source claims that overwork alone causes disease. Anyone with physical symptoms should see a doctor, and Fields urges professional help for mental illness or serious emotional struggle [4].

This isn't about blame. Maté stresses that parents do their best within their own limits [2]. Dr. Lyons's episode frames it the same way: the pattern isn't your fault, but healing it is your responsibility [1].

Fixing others can be another escape. If your response to this idea is to diagnose a partner or colleague, Dr. Lyons's warning applies. Ask what you're still avoiding in yourself [1].

Start where change is possible. Dr. Lakshmin warns that family is the hardest place to start setting boundaries [3]. Small, low-stakes steps come first.

What To Do With It

1. Try a timed pause every day. Sit for two to five minutes with no phone and no input, and notice the thoughts, feelings and urges that come up. Ask what you're trying to escape and what your nervous system thinks is dangerous about stillness [1].

2. Stand in line without your phone. Choose five minutes of waiting with nothing to fill it. It shows how much you fill every spare moment, and practicing it retrains your system to tolerate being present [1].

3. Use Dr. Lyons's question when the urge hits. When you reach for a call, a scroll or a task, ask: "What am I running from right now?" [1] And remind yourself: "That was then. This is now." [1]

4. Ask what need the busyness meets. Name the relief it gives (tuning out, feeling needed, feeling in control), accept that the need is real, and find a harmless way to meet it [2].

5. Do Maté's five questions once a week. Where is it hard to say no? What does it cost you? What belief is behind it? How did you learn it? Who would you be without it? Then add the sixth: "Where are you not saying yes?", to rest, play and creativity [2].

6. Review your week and feel for dread. Once a week, take about 20 minutes to look at your calendar. Notice where you feel dread, resentment or joy, and decide what to drop, adjust or renegotiate [3].

7. Watch for the three warning signs. Constant irritability, resenting a lack of thanks, and daydreams of escape all mean you're giving too much. Treat them as a signal to set a boundary, not to try harder [3].

8. Let guilt pass. Expect guilt when you say no. Picture it as a sushi plate going by on the belt, not an order you have to follow [3].

9. Cut before you optimize. Find work that takes a lot of time but contributes little to what you care about, and eliminate it. Block "keep free" time on your calendar and protect it, or it will fill up with email and scrolling [4].

10. Take your body's signals seriously and get support. If tension, poor sleep or recurring physical symptoms follow periods of overwork or out-of-integrity choices, treat them as a "tell" [4]. Talk to a doctor or therapist about them, especially if you have symptoms of illness or serious emotional strain [2][4].

Sources

1. The Real Reason You’re Exhausted: How To Gain Control of Your Time & Your Life · The Mel Robbins Podcast
2. Dr. Gabor Maté: The Shocking Link Between ADHD, Addiction, Autoimmune Diseases, & Trauma · The Mel Robbins Podcast
3. Focus on Yourself: 3 Signs You’re Giving Too Much & What to Do About It Right Now · The Mel Robbins Podcast
4. Jonathan Fields on Burnout, Meaningful Work, and the Sparketype Framework · The School of Greatness