Forget the spark: choose partners on shared values and character
September 27, 2026 · 20 min read
Dating experts, an evolutionary psychologist and an investor all say lasting partnerships rest on values, kindness and a slow-building connection more than instant chemistry. People who chase the spark may reject good matches and fall for incompatible ones.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Ury: the spark is often attraction to emotionally unavailable people and does not predict long-term compatibility.
- Ury: after a date, ask yourself whether you feel calm, accepted and safe.
- Ury: reject people over deal breakers (different values or life goals), not pet peeves like texting style or sports preferences.
- Ury: widen height, age and location filters, which may be rejecting 90% of decent people before you meet them.
- Robbins: a consistent mismatch in core values (kids, lifestyle, money, conflict) is fundamental incompatibility, not a compromise problem.
- Robbins: the right person brings peace, not constant butterflies. If you feel "off" more than "on," believe that signal.
- Buss: across 37 cultures, both sexes want kindness, intelligence, dependability, emotional stability, good health, and mutual attraction and love in a long-term partner.
- Buss: the infatuation phase lasts perhaps six weeks to six months.
- Buss: before committing, test emotional stability by traveling together somewhere unfamiliar.
- Buss: online, men exaggerate income by about 20% and height by about two inches, and women shave about 15 pounds off their weight.
- Buss: skip endless texting and meet in person for coffee.
- O’Leary: ask about kids, debt and money management by the third or fourth date.
- Todd: build on transparency, common faith and fun. Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops.
- If you face threats, stalking or violence, get outside help from a qualified counselor or professional.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.