How to help someone you love who is struggling, without trying to rescue them
Psychologist Lisa Damour, addiction doctor Sarah Wakeman and Mel Robbins each give guidance for supporting a struggling child, partner or friend: tell ordinary distress from real warning signs, side with the part of them that wants help, and stay a steady presence instead of taking over. Most people either push too hard or step back, and this gives them a workable middle path.
What two questions does Lisa Damour ask to judge whether someone's distress is a problem? Show answer
Do the feelings fit the circumstance, and are they managed well? Painful feelings that fit the situation are a sign the person is working as they should.
What are Damour's two red flags? Show answer
A mood that interferes with living, such as depression or paralyzing anxiety, and costly coping that brings relief at a price.
What counts as costly coping? Show answer
Abusing substances, being very hard on the people around you, or turning it against yourself through running yourself down or self-harm.
Why does simply demanding that someone stop a harmful behavior backfire? Show answer
The behavior works for them at some level, so the demand creates a fight between you and the part of them it is helping. Acknowledging that moves the conflict inside the person.
What does Damour mean by sticking up for the part that wants help? Show answer
Naming that part of the person wants to keep the behavior and part wants to be healthier, then siding openly with the healthier part so it does not become a fight.
What question does Damour suggest when someone unloads on you? Show answer
Do you want my help or do you just need to vent? Most of the time they just need to vent, and you can let it go when the conversation ends.
Why does Sarah Wakeman say tough love fails for alcohol use disorder? Show answer
The condition means being unable to stop despite bad consequences, so adding more is not a treatment. People do not make hard changes when they feel threatened or punished.
What are the things Wakeman says to tell a loved one who is drinking? Show answer
That you love them, you are worried about them, you are here for them, and you know treatment works. Then say how you can support them.
How does Wakeman describe boundaries? Show answer
They are okay when behavior becomes unsafe, but they are for your own safety or well-being. They are not a treatment strategy for the other person.
What does Mel Robbins say to do when a capable child keeps asking you to fix things? Show answer
Validate the feeling, then ask what they think they should do. Solving it for them trains them to expect rescue.
What do Damour and Robbins both say about avoidance? Show answer
It makes anxiety grow. The answer is small steps of exposure, such as going to a feared party for 20 minutes with an easy way out.
When should a professional be involved? Show answer
When someone is talking about harming themselves, losing weight or cutting out foods, or cannot stop drinking, or when what you are doing at home is not working and you have run out of ideas.