Make connection a scheduled habit, not a leftover

The Short Version

Social connection is one of the strongest everyday drivers of happiness and health, and it's also the habit most likely to be squeezed out of a busy week, because, as Yale psychologist Laurie Santos puts it, "your brain is not telling you to do that" [1]. Humans never evolved a strong craving for company, since company used to be everywhere, so modern life's substitutes and busy schedules quietly crowd it out [1]. That's why Santos's advice is to "schedule some" real-time connection, at least once a week and more than you do now [1], why Mel Robbins makes connection the last line of her weekly checklist on the grounds that "If it's not in your calendar, it's not happening" [2], why psychiatrist Anna Lembke credits deep, honest community with making recovery work [3], and why Gary Vaynerchuk argues community can be built almost anywhere with a little deliberate effort [4]. The shared lesson: connection doesn't happen on its own, so put it on the calendar.

Table of contents

What They Said

Laurie Santos: the strongest lever, and the one our brains ignore

The evidence. Santos, who teaches Yale's Psychology and the Good Life, the most popular course in the university's history, tells Huberman that beyond a basic level of income, happiness depends far more on behaviors and thought patterns than on circumstances [1]. And among behaviors, she says, "One of the biggest behavioral changes you can make to feel happier is just to get a little bit more social connection" [1]. Studies of how people spend their days point to two predictors: "the two things that predict whether or not you're happy or not so happy is how much time you spend with friends and family members and how much time you're just physically around other people" [1]. It raises positive emotion, gives a sense that life is going better, and reduces loneliness [1].

Even brief contact with strangers counts. In experiments by Nick Epley and others, people paid something like a $10 Starbucks gift card to talk to strangers on trains expected it to be awkward, but found that "talking to somebody actually feels good," introverts and extroverts alike [1]. Epley's metaphor is that happiness is like a leaky tire, and each small interaction tops it up [1].

Why it doesn't happen on its own. Santos's central argument is evolutionary. Natural selection built in a craving for sweet, fatty food because it was hard to find, but not for greens, which were everywhere, and the same is true of company: "We just don't have a strong motivation to seek people out because it was just kind of there" [1]. In a modern world full of substitutes and isolation, that missing craving leaves many people feeling the effects of loneliness [1]. She is direct about what that means for listeners: "you're not kind of having a craving to talk to your friend" [1].

Our predictions also mislead us. Epley calls it undersociality: we know that giving a compliment, expressing thanks or handing a stranger a hot chocolate will be pleasant, but we underestimate how good it will feel, predicting something like a three out of ten and experiencing closer to a six [1]. In Santos's words, "our mind lies to us when it comes to our happiness" [1].

Introverts face a specific trap. The research difference between introverts and extroverts, she says, is mostly in prediction error: extroverts expect connection to be pleasant and find it is, while introverts expect awkwardness but report being happier than they expected when they actually talk to someone [1]. If you avoid interaction because you predict it will go badly, you never collect the evidence that you were wrong, and the cycle can feed loneliness [1]. She describes Jessica Pan's year as a self-described hardcore introvert trying improv, networking and talking to strangers, and finding she enjoyed it far more than she expected [1]. Introverts do still need time alone to balance things out [1].

The environment works against us. Santos notes that "We don't have these so-called third spaces where we can get together easily anymore," and that screens make it easy to settle for what she calls the weak version of social connection [1]. Scrolling faces on a phone is like an artificial sweetener: it fakes out the craving without nourishing it [1]. She cites David Byrne's essay "Eliminating the Human" on how technology strips human friction out of daily life, and notes that young people report loneliness at rates around 70 to 75 percent [1].

Real time, not necessarily in person. Santos's key distinction is between real-time and delayed communication. Video, and even a phone call, engages the primate systems for faces and voices; texting and messaging do not [1]. For people whose friends live far away, she says, "you can connect not necessarily live in in person, but as much as possible try to do it in real-time," and "if possible try to do it with video" [1]. Huberman adds his own experience: "If I go a few days without seeing a face, something happens inside that shifts my internal kind of set point for well-being" [1].

Her prescription is to schedule it. Because the brain won't prompt you, Santos's advice is explicit: "So schedule some if possible in real life time with somebody. Or in real time, right? You know, call that friend that you haven't talked to" [1]. Asked how often, she answers "probably way more than you think you should" [1]. When Huberman proposed scheduling a real-time phone, Zoom or in-person interaction "maybe once a week," her reply was: "Minimum. I think more than you're doing now, if you're not feeling so happy, add some in" [1]. For introverts, her starting point is modest: skip the big party or improv class, call a friend you haven't talked to in a while, and notice how it feels; one-on-one coffees often suit introverts best [1].

She adds related scheduling tools. Time famine, the feeling of having no free time, is as big a hit to well-being as unemployment, so she suggests putting a blank hour on your calendar a few months out and protecting it [1]. She also suggests spending time confetti, journalist Brigid Schulte's term for the scattered five- and ten-minute gaps in a day, on things like texting a friend a delight instead of scrolling [1]. Catherine Price's question for finding what makes you happy, recalling the last three times you had the most fun, usually turns up at least two involving another person or animal and almost none involving a screen [1].

Huberman's caveat. Huberman offers an honest counterpoint: after spending 30 minutes or a couple of hours with someone, he often stays up late catching up on work and loses sleep, so "everything's a trade-off" [1]. He notes that the research he and Santos discussed involved brief interactions, "So maybe one doesn't need to spend quite as much time with people" [1]. Santos agrees these are trade-offs, but holds that most people should add more than they currently have [1].

Mel Robbins: connection as item seven, on the calendar

Robbins opens her episode with a warning: "the world is now designed to steal your time, your energy, your joy and your focus," from social media to alarming headlines to endless work [2]. Her response is a seven-item weekly checklist, drawn from a decade of researching and teaching about happiness, productivity and focus: do a brain dump, cross off what won't happen, choose one meaningful thing and schedule a 15-minute session for it, plan one meal, plan one workout, plan one moment of real rest, and plan one connection with another person [2].

The calendar is the mechanism. The whole checklist rests on one principle: it's not real until it's scheduled. If it's not in your calendar, it's not happening. This can't be an accident. Now is where you move from having plans to planning [2]. She puts calendar alarms on her plans and even pastes the link to a streamed workout class into the calendar event so there's no searching when the time comes [2].

Item seven. Connection comes last: "Connect with someone. That's number seven. Look at that calendar. When can you connect with somebody?" [2]. She challenges listeners directly, "are you even leaving the house these days?", admitting she once went five days without leaving the house while sick [2]. And she widens the circle beyond work: "it's not just the people that you see on Zoom or at work that matter. What about the people in your life that bring you meaning?" [2]. Her options include inviting someone for dinner, going out for dinner, taking a walk, visiting a museum, meeting for coffee, walking dogs together, cooking together, or volunteering [2].

Small, practical versions. Two of her tactics suit people with little time. The first is stacking: invite a friend to the workout you've already scheduled, which she calls a way to "get a two for in" [2]. The second is using time you already have. On her regular drive from Vermont to Boston for production week, "I literally call old friends. And it's not the same people every week" [2]. Even seven minutes, she says, lets you cover a lot of ground, and she also uses a quiet half hour at her desk before work to text people she's been thinking about [2].

The research behind it. Robbins ties this item to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, begun in 1938 and running for more than 80 years, now directed by Dr. Robert Waldinger [2]. Close relationships, more than wealth or fame, are crucial to a happy and healthy life; they buffer life's challenges and delay mental and physical decline [2]. Participants with strong social ties lived longer, healthier lives [2]. And she draws the planning lesson from the lonely participants: "People who were lonely and didn't make it a priority. They didn't have it on the checklist. They had it in the back of their mind" [2]. "You have to plan for it. Otherwise, it's not happening. People who were lonely had earlier health decline and were less satisfied with their life" [2]. Adult friendships fade unless you plan for them, she says, which is why connection belongs on the weekly list [2]. She anticipates the reaction: "Well, this is why the week gets away from me" [2].

Anna Lembke: honest community as the engine of recovery

Lembke, a psychiatrist and chief of the Stanford Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic, approaches connection from the opposite end: what happens when people substitute drugs, screens or behaviors for it, and what helps them recover [3].

Why recovery communities work. When patients call Alcoholics Anonymous a cult, she replies that "because it's a cult is exactly why it works" [3]. Citing Rob Malenka's work at Stanford showing that oxytocin links directly to dopamine neurons, she explains that deep, honest human connection is a powerful source of dopamine that can replace what drugs provided [3]. People with an addictive temperament often need that intensity [3]. She's comfortable with people becoming, in effect, hooked on recovery itself [3].

Honesty deepens the bond. Lembke found that telling the truth about everything, not just drug use, was central to recovery [3]. Beyond research suggesting that truth-telling may strengthen the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the brain's reward and emotional circuits, she notes a social effect: "being open and honest with people really does create very intimate connections. And those intimate connections create dopamine" [3]. She describes her own temperament: "I need a lot of intensity in my human connections. Like I'm really not interested in and bored by and made anxious by casual interactions" [3].

One day at a time, in the real world. Lembke praises the 12-step practice of "taking it one day at a time," along with "connecting with your environment, not trying to escape it" [3]. Escaping through the internet or drugs, she says, is "the booby prize," because it pulls you further from your immediate environment, which is where you find groundedness [3].

Protect the offline spaces. On social media, Lembke is blunt: "it really is a drug and it's engineered to be a drug" [3]. She stays off it herself because, she says, people are her drug and she couldn't manage it [3]. She warns that as more people spend more time online, real-life interaction withers: "even when we want to choose to not be online connecting, we go outside and there's, there's no there there" [3]. Her answer is collective: "our collective challenge and it should be our mission is to make sure that we are preserving and maintaining offline ways to connect with each other. Because if we don't do that, then we'll be very lonely" [3]. Screen-free group time is the goal: "if you have a tribe of folks that you can be with, none of whom are on their phones while you're together for that discrete amount of time, then it's wonderful and liberating" [3]. Her practical tip: "instead of doing a dopamine fast by yourself, do it with your friends," so the fear of missing out is smaller [3]. She also reminds listeners that "we're all wired for addiction" [3], which makes these structures relevant to everyone, not just people in treatment.

Gary Vaynerchuk: community is everywhere, if you put in the effort

Vaynerchuk's angle is that there's no shortage of community, only a shortage of deliberate effort. His core advice for anyone trying to change their life is social: "you need to start surrounding yourself with people that are cheering for you to jump in the pool not making fun of you for not being in the pool" [4].

Building the cheering group online. When Robbins asks "how do you build the cheering group online," he gives a specific method: reply to other people's comments on posts you follow and start becoming friends with them [4]. His example walks through the steps. One person replies warmly to another's comment and compliments something on her profile; the other, unused to that attention, responds; then "one of them dms each other," it goes on for a couple of weeks, and then comes "a phone call a zoom," and finally "they actually meet in person" [4]. Robbins sums it up as "we're putting a little effort into positivity" [4]. His VeeFriends slogan captures the arc: "strangers become acquaintances acquaintances become friends and friends become family" [4].

Community is the real value in shared interests. Vaynerchuk argues that collectibles, sports, music and fandoms matter because of the community around them: "the only necessity about collectibles is community" [4]. Music and sports work because "it's tribalism on something that's positive," and at a place like Comic-Con, two people in Spider-Man outfits are "two strangers that hug it out like they're long lost best friends" [4]. For that reason he calls social media the greatest thing, not the worst, because it lets isolated people find their people [4].

Volunteering as connection. His other tactic is to volunteer five hours at a retirement home: it helps lonely residents, but he says it does even more for the volunteer [4]. Having sat with many people in their 80s, he believes regret is what everyone most wants to avoid [4].

Where They Agree, and Where They Don't

Agreement.

• Connection is central to well-being. Santos calls it the biggest behavioral lever for happiness [1]; Robbins cites the Harvard study's finding that relationships matter more than wealth or fame for a happy, healthy life [2]; Lembke calls honest human connection a source of dopamine powerful enough to replace drugs [3]; Vaynerchuk puts a supportive community at the heart of changing your life [4].
• It won't happen by default. Santos's evolutionary argument (no craving, because company was once everywhere) [1] and Robbins's observation that lonely participants kept connection "in the back of their mind" instead of on the checklist [2] make the same point from different directions. Vaynerchuk's method depends on deliberate effort [4], and Lembke's call to preserve offline spaces treats connection as something that has to be protected [3].
• Screens are a poor substitute. Santos's artificial-sweetener image [1], Robbins's warning about a world designed to steal time and focus [2], and Lembke's description of social media as an engineered drug [3] all point to phones as the thing most likely to displace real connection.
• Small counts. Brief conversations with strangers [1], a seven-minute call from the car [2] and a reply to a comment [4] are all offered as legitimate starting points.

Where they differ.

• Social media: bridge or barrier. This is the sharpest split. Vaynerchuk calls social media the greatest thing because it lets isolated people find their people [4]. Lembke calls it a drug, stays off it herself, and worries that it empties the offline world [3]. Santos sits in between: texting and messaging are weak nourishment, but real-time video is "pretty good" [1]. There is a way to reconcile them. Vaynerchuk's own process ends with a phone call, a Zoom and a meeting in person [4], exactly the real-time contact Santos recommends [1]. Used as an on-ramp to real conversation, online community fits all three views; used as a replacement, it is what Santos and Lembke warn against.
• Casual versus deep. Santos's research favors frequent, even brief, contact, including with strangers [1]. Lembke says she is bored and made anxious by casual interactions and needs intensity and honesty [3]. The difference looks like temperament rather than a real contradiction: Santos says introverts often do best one-on-one [1], and Lembke describes people with an addictive temperament as needing more intensity [3]. The practical takeaway is to schedule the kind of connection that actually nourishes you.
• How much. Santos's floor is once a week and "more than you're doing now" [1]; Robbins asks for one planned connection per week, plus informal calls and texts [2]. Huberman raises a real cost: connection can eat into work time and sleep [1]. Scheduling is partly a way to manage that trade-off rather than let it decide by default.
• In person or not. Robbins leans toward in-person options (dinners, walks, museums, dogs) plus phone calls [2]; Santos treats phone and video as good enough, provided it's real time [1]; Lembke stresses screen-free group time [3].

Why It Works

The sources give several explanations for why connection matters and why it needs a calendar.

The brain is built for faces and voices. Santos says social connection builds on "this basic neural circuitry for seeing faces" and hearing voices, which is why real-time contact, including video and phone, works and delayed text doesn't [1].

No craving means no prompt. Because company was abundant in our evolutionary past, we never developed a strong drive to seek it out [1]. That makes connection unlike food or screens: nothing inside you reminds you to call a friend, so an external reminder has to do the job [1][2].

We underpredict the payoff. Undersociality means we expect interactions to be less enjoyable than they turn out to be [1]. Introverts' prediction errors are especially large, and avoidance prevents them from ever learning otherwise [1]. A scheduled interaction gets past the flawed forecast.

Connection feeds the reward system. Lembke cites Rob Malenka's work showing oxytocin links directly to dopamine neurons, which is why honest connection can supply the reward that drugs once did [3]. Huberman contrasts addiction as a narrowing of the things that bring pleasure with happiness as a broadening, and notes that the effort of calling or visiting someone is part of what makes it rewarding [1].

Relationships buffer health over decades. In the Harvard Study of Adult Development, close relationships buffered life's challenges and delayed mental and physical decline, while lonely participants declined earlier and were less satisfied with their lives [2].

Structure turns intentions into action. Robbins's principle that nothing is real until it's scheduled [2], Santos's advice to protect time on the calendar [1], and Lembke's emphasis on daily routines like one day at a time [3] reflect the same idea: good intentions lose to busy weeks unless they have a fixed place.

Where It Applies, and Where It Doesn't

Where it applies. Scheduled connection is most useful for people who are busy, remote, or introverted: people whose friends live far away (Santos's real-time phone and video advice) [1], people who work from home and realize they haven't left the house in days [2], and introverts whose predictions keep them home [1]. It's also relevant to anyone rebuilding life after addiction, where community is a core part of recovery [3], and to anyone feeling stuck who needs people cheering them on [4].

Where to be careful.

• Balance with alone time. Introverts still need solitude to recharge [1]; the aim is more connection than now, not constant socializing.
• Watch the trade-offs. Huberman's point about losing sleep and work time is real [1]; a short, scheduled interaction may serve you better than an open-ended one.
• Don't let online replace real time. Messaging and scrolling can mimic connection without providing it [1]; if you build community online, move it toward calls, video and meetings [1][4].
• Match the depth to the person. Some people, like Lembke, get little from casual contact and need honest, intense connection [3]; others benefit from frequent small interactions [1].
• Get help where it's needed. Loneliness, depression and addiction can need more than a calendar entry. If you're struggling with any of them, a doctor, therapist or recovery program is the right place to start, and Lembke's work suggests recovery communities can be a powerful part of that [3].

What To Do With It

1. Pick a weekly planning moment and add connection to it. Follow Robbins's checklist: once a week, open your calendar and ask "When can you connect with somebody?" [2]. Give it a time and an alarm, since "If it's not in your calendar, it's not happening" [2].

2. Set a floor of one real-time interaction per week, then add more. Santos calls once a week the minimum and suggests adding more if you're not feeling happy [1].

3. Make it real time. Choose in person, a phone call or a video call over texting and messaging, which fake out the craving without meeting it [1].

4. Start with one call to someone you've lost touch with. Santos's low-pressure starting point is to call a friend you haven't talked to in a while and notice how it feels [1].

5. Use time you already have. Call friends during a commute, as Robbins does on her drive, rotating who you call; even seven minutes is enough to catch up [2]. Spend small gaps texting a friend something that delighted you [1].

6. Stack connection onto other plans. Invite a friend to your scheduled workout, a walk, a meal or a volunteering session to "get a two for" [2].

7. Talk to someone new. Try a brief conversation with a stranger or a colleague you don't know well, expecting it to feel better than you predict [1].

8. Build a phone-free group. Plan regular time with a group of friends where no one uses their phone, or do a dopamine fast together, following Lembke [3].

9. Turn online contacts into real ones. If your community starts online, follow Vaynerchuk's path from comments to direct messages to a call or Zoom to meeting in person [4].

10. Commit to a standing community. A recovery group, a volunteer shift (Vaynerchuk suggests a retirement home) [4], or a club built around a shared interest gives connection a fixed place in your week and a group of people who expect you to show up [3][4].

Sources

1. Dr. Laurie Santos: How to Achieve True Happiness Using Science-Based Protocols · Huberman Lab
2. The 7-Day Reset for More Time, Energy, & Happiness (Backed by Science) · The Mel Robbins Podcast
3. Dr. Anna Lembke: Understanding & Treating Addiction · Huberman Lab
4. Gary Vaynerchuk on Fear, Regret, Accountability, and Why One Action Can Change Your Life · The Mel Robbins Podcast