Pull, don't push: how psychologists help a loved one actually change
October 9, 2026 · 32 min read
Dolly Chugh's model, invite and reward approach, Mel Robbins' advice to make change the other person's idea, Adam Grant's motivational interviewing and Stuart Ablon's collaborative problem solving all reject lecturing in favor of drawing change out of the other person. If you really need someone to change, the methods that work look nothing like the nagging most people default to.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Chugh: you can model, invite and reward change, but you cannot make anyone change.
- Chugh: pull almost always takes longer than push, but if it works, it lasts longer.
- Chugh's WAIT rule (Why Am I Talking?): before advising, ask whether they want to be heard, hugged, helped or high-fived. About 90 percent say heard.
- Chugh's feedback without adjectives has three parts: state the expectation, describe the specific behaviour, explain its impact.
- Chugh's one-to-ten rule: rate how important an issue is for both people. If both are at seven or below, the higher number wins. Eight or above deserves a real conversation.
- Robbins: only 3 percent change when change feels forced, versus 37 percent when they believe the idea is theirs.
- Robbins: ask a question that turns attention to their own choices instead of making a statement.
- Robbins: your changes may confront people before they inspire them.
- Robbins's boundary: six months of wallowing, then change what you're available for. Drop the rope.
- Grant's motivational interviewing: ask open questions, reflect back, help them find their own motivation.
- Grant: only preach what you already practise.
- Ablon: people do well if they can. Assume a missing skill before a missing will.
- Ablon's Plan B: empathy first, then share your concern (not your solution), then brainstorm together. Plan C (dropping it for now) is not giving in.
- Warning: for addiction, depression or mental health struggles, get the advice of a qualified professional.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.