The sex talk couples avoid is the one that fixes things
Sex educator Emily Morse, urologist Rena Malik and sex therapist Laura Berman all say most couples never learned to talk about sex and wrongly believe that needing to talk means something is broken. Saying what you want out loud, awkward as it is, is the step they each point to before any technique.
What do all three specialists say couples should do first? Show answer
Say what they want, out loud, to their partner.
Why do people avoid talking about sex, according to Emily Morse? Show answer
They had no role models and little education, and they believe needing to talk means something is wrong.
What is Morse's framework for raising the subject? Show answer
Timing, tone and turf: a calm moment, a curious and collaborative tone, and a place outside the bedroom.
Why do Morse and Malik suggest a walk or a drive? Show answer
The two of you are side by side and not staring at each other, which lowers the pressure.
How should a request be framed, in Rena Malik's advice? Show answer
Positively, as something you would really like tried next time, not as a complaint about what you hate.
How many conversations does Malik say it takes? Show answer
Several. The first will be awkward, someone may shut down, and you try again another time.
What is responsive desire? Show answer
Desire that arrives after touch begins, not before. It is common in long relationships.
What two conditions does Laura Berman add? Show answer
A partner who is open to feedback, and enough knowledge of your own body to know what to ask for.
What did Berman's research find best predicts sexual satisfaction? Show answer
Emotional intimacy with the partner, ahead of anything physical.
What is the sex romance stalemate? Show answer
One partner needs sex to feel close and the other needs closeness to want sex, so each waits for the other.
What can a conversation not fix by itself? Show answer
Medical causes such as pain, erectile problems, menopausal changes and medication effects, and a history of trauma.
What two exercises does Morse suggest? Show answer
Each writes down their three most memorable times together, and each marks a list of activities yes, no or maybe.