The sex talk couples avoid is the one that fixes things
Sex educator Emily Morse, urologist Rena Malik and sex therapist Laura Berman all say most couples never learned to talk about sex and wrongly believe that needing to talk means something is broken. Saying what you want out loud, awkward as it is, is the step they each point to before any technique.
Say what you want, out loud, to your partner. Three specialists from different professions give that same first instruction, and they agree closely on how: outside the bedroom, in positive terms, and more than once. They also agree that talking does not replace what it uncovers, whether that is a medical problem, an old injury or a difference in desire that has to be worked out.
Emily Morse, a sex educator who has hosted a call-in show since 2005, names communication as the thing that most often wrecks a couple's sex life. People avoid the talk because they had no models for it, little education, and a belief that needing to discuss sex means something is wrong. Her framework is timing, tone and turf. Tone should be curious and collaborative, since an accusation produces defensiveness. Turf means not in the bedroom and not straight after sex, and a walk or a drive helps. Timing means not when either person is hungry, angry, lonely or tired. She adds that "it is not a one-time conversation". Her tools include each partner writing down their three most memorable times together and comparing, and a list of activities each marks yes, no or maybe. A partner's wish should be met with curiosity, not disgust. She says there is always a higher-desire and a lower-desire partner, and the cause often has little to do with the relationship.
Rena Malik, a urologist and pelvic surgeon, gives the same explanation: nobody taught us how to talk about sex, and film and television show something that is not real life. She expects the first attempt to be awkward. "It's going to take multiple conversations." Someone may shut down, and you try again another time. She advises giving notice, sitting side by side, and framing requests as something you would like tried next time. She treats sex as play that people take too seriously, and explains that in long relationships desire often arrives after touch begins. She endorses scheduling. As a physician she lists what talk will not solve: erectile difficulty can be an early sign of heart disease, menopause changes tissue, pain is never normal, and depression and its medications reduce desire.
Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist, adds the conditions: a partner open to feedback, and enough knowledge of your own body to have something to say. Give feedback the next day, unless something hurts, in which case say so at once. Her research found emotional intimacy was the best predictor of satisfaction. She describes a stalemate in which one partner needs sex to feel close and the other needs closeness to want sex.
They differ on how far gender explains desire and on how much sex a couple needs. A low-sex relationship is stable when it suits both people and unstable when it suits one.
What to do with it: work out what you like first. Give notice and pick a calm moment. Walk or drive, and open by saying you have never really talked about this. Start with what you enjoy. Compare your three best memories. Talk directly about desire and initiating. Expect to repeat it.
Anyone with pain during sex, persistent difficulty with arousal or erection, or a history of sexual trauma should see a doctor or a qualified therapist.