Warmth and Competence, Clearly Signaled: How to Make a Strong First Impression

The Short Version

A first impression answers two questions about you, and behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards states them plainly: "Can I trust you and can I rely on you?" [1] Warmth answers the first and competence the second. Her finding is that most people who come across badly have both qualities and signal neither, so the fix is behavior that can be practiced: visible hands, open posture, a lower voice, and showing people you like them [1][2]. Mentalist Oz Pearlman adds what to do in the first ten seconds and how to hold on to a name [3]. Host Terrence J adds preparation and an icebreaker [4]. Evy Poumpouras, who protected presidents and ran polygraph interviews, adds eye contact, squared shoulders and an unhurried voice [5]. Van Edwards says the two signals have to be sent together; she does not rank one ahead of the other [1].

Table of contents

What They Said

Vanessa Van Edwards: charisma is a signaling problem

Van Edwards defines charisma as "a perfect blend of warmth and competence" [1]. A person who shows up open, trustworthy and well-intentioned, and also capable and effective, has answered the two questions people ask about anyone new [1]. She says charisma in this sense can be learned [1].

Two qualifications give the definition its use. The first is that neither half can be faked for long. Anyone can sound smart briefly, and of the other half she says, "You can fake warmth for a little bit, but not for very long." [1] The second is that having the qualities is not enough. Speaking of the research on this, she says you can be the warmest, most competent person in the room, and if you are not signaling it, "people do not believe it" [1]. She adds that the two have to be signaled at the same time [1].

Her brightest students, she says, are the ones who under-signal: gifted entrepreneurs and artists who believe in their idea but not in themselves, and so are afraid to talk about it [1]. Her summary is "If you do not know how to show it or share it, it will not get heard." [1]

She sorts signals into four channels: verbal, nonverbal, vocal, and what she calls ornaments, such as clothing or whatever sits behind you on a video call. Credentials on the wall read as competent; family photos read as warm [1]. She says there are 97 cues to choose from and that each person should build a recipe that suits them. Hers includes speaking at the low end of her natural range, ending sentences on a downward note, an occasional steeple of the fingertips, and a slight narrowing of the lower eyelids that shows intent listening [1].

In an earlier conversation with Mel Robbins she gives the physical detail [2].

Space. She watches two distances. One is between the earlobes and the shoulders. Hunching closes it, which she describes as an old move to protect the neck; she says it signals danger to your own brain, weakens the voice, and is the posture people take every time they check a phone, often just before a date or a presentation. Her fix is to hold the phone up and out, chin raised and elbows wide [2]. The other is between the torso and the arms. Pinned or crossed arms make a person feel anxious and shorten their sentences, she says [2]. She picks chairs with armrests over a slouchy couch, and a swivel chair so she can turn to face whoever is speaking, which she calls a nonverbal sign of respect [2].

Hands. In research she cites in which people rated videos of leaders, the most charismatic gesture was the steeple: fingertips together, space between the palms [2]. Rubbing the hands together before sharing something good signals excitement [2]. The minimum is simpler: "Keep your hands visible out of pockets above the desk" [2]. Gestures matter because they are hard to fake: "We are more likely to believe a gesture over a word." [2] She explains what they are for: "Cues tell others how they should treat us." [2]

Voice. Keep it low, and if you hear vocal fry, speak louder, because volume removes it [2].

Warmth. Her evidence that likability is under your control is a study of high school students in which popularity was not explained by looks, grades, sport or humor. The most-liked students had the longest lists of people they liked, and they showed it in small ways such as greeting classmates by name in the hallway [2]. "My mission in life is to be first liker," she says, and she tells people directly that she likes them [2]. A small admission also helps. She cites a study in which a presenter was rated more likable after spilling a little of what she was demonstrating, and suggests modest openers such as "my feet are killing me." [2]

Authenticity. Asked whether faking backfires, she cites a study of smiles: genuine ones lifted viewers' mood, and fake ones produced no change, neither better nor worse [2].

Position. At an event she avoids the entrance, where conversations were shortest because people had not settled. The best spot is where people leave the bar with a drink in hand [2].

She frames the goal carefully. Being liked is not always the point; you may simply need to understand a colleague you do not care for [1]. And she says her own early awkwardness came from trying to dazzle. The aim is to be easy to talk to, not impressive, and "confidence is not the absence of awkwardness." [1]

Oz Pearlman: what happens in the first ten seconds

Pearlman learned first impressions as a 14-year-old magician walking up to restaurant tables uninvited [3]. He noticed that people silently ask a string of questions the moment a stranger appears: who is this, does he work here, is he any good, will he embarrass me, does he want money [3]. His job was to settle all of that in as few words as possible.

He built a routine. He approached tables at an angle and not head on, on the reasoning that people are wired to sense danger from a direct approach [3]. He set a time limit of 30 seconds so nobody worried he would linger [3]. He opened with a question nobody refuses, asking whether they had heard it was their lucky night, explained that the owner had brought him in as a treat, and promised the most amazing thing they had seen that week. Asking who wanted to see a trick had only handed them a way to say no [3]. He is clear that this earns a chance and nothing more; you still have to deliver [3].

The principle under the routine is to think like the person in front of you. Stranded by cancelled flights, he watched passenger after passenger be rude to a gate agent who controlled neither weather nor aircraft, and found that acknowledging her rough day and asking whether there was any chance of another flight worked far better [3].

On names he is specific. He says "the main culprit in forgetting people's names has nothing to do with your memory. It's that you never even knew the name to begin with." [3] His fix is three steps: listen, repeat, reply. Listen means quieting your own thoughts for that moment. Repeat means saying the name at least twice straight away, for example by checking you have it right. Reply means attaching it to something: a visual detail, the spelling, or someone you already know with that name [3]. He keeps notes on people afterward and rejects the idea that this is calculating; he says it shows you care [3].

For moments that matter he prepares the first line. Knowing he might get five seconds with President Obama at an event where the president spoke first, he worked for months on what to say, because nearly everyone opens with how honored they are. He thanked him for a gift, and when asked what gift, explained that he could now tell people "President Barack Obama opened for me." [3]

He adds two rules for after the opening: match the other person's energy instead of arriving too flat or too intense, and leave people wanting more [3]. Behind all of it is the idea that people remember how you made them feel more than what you said [3].

Terrence J: study people, then break the ice

Terrence J, who has interviewed presidents and film stars, says he is introverted to a degree and puts on a personality when he leaves the house [4]. What he relies on walking into a room is what he calls a "bag of tricks" [4].

The first item is homework. "I'm a student of people," he says [4]. He has researched the people he would meet since before the internet, so he can usually mention someone's latest work [4]. The second is common ground, such as sports or something the person is wearing. The third is the tone of his voice [4].

His example of an icebreaker is meeting President Obama at the White House. He said the thing he guessed everyone thinks and nobody says, confessing in a whisper, "I stole a lot of napkins" from the bathroom. The president burst out laughing and played along, and the barrier was gone [4]. He does not claim it always works; caught off guard, he reckons he handles seven or eight encounters out of ten [4].

He has a rule about names from his work on red carpets: do not attempt a name you cannot pronounce. Ask, or keep the question general, because being corrected loses the moment [4]. His model of a good impression from the other side is Michelle Obama, who he says can cross a room and ask a personal question that shows how much she has retained about you [4].

He adds a caution about wanting to be liked. The hardest lesson of his career, he says, was to stop trying to please everybody: "be specific to who you are and don't worry about trying to please everybody" [4]. Even he has a limit. The one person who still makes him freeze, after 15 years of acquaintance, is Jay-Z, and a friend teases him that "Jay-Z can smell your fear" [4].

Evy Poumpouras: eyes, shoulders and voice

Poumpouras was a Secret Service agent and polygraph examiner, so she spent years on the receiving end of first impressions [5]. She begins by reading Robbins's own greeting. Robbins walked straight over with arms open, holding nothing, without sending her team ahead, and her words matched her body. That told Poumpouras she was confident, warm and genuine [5]. The description doubles as a recipe.

On eye contact she separates two uses. As a lie detector it is a myth: how a person makes eye contact reflects their whole history, from shyness to how they were treated as a child, and looking away is often just thinking [5]. As a signal you send, it is valuable. When she wants to build trust she holds it on purpose: "I'm going to show you, Mel, you matter to me." [5] She adds, "And it's also a great way to show respect to people." [5] She also says to look at people when they are speaking, not only when you are [5].

She teaches frontal alignment: facing someone squarely, shoulder to shoulder, not angled away or on your phone [5]. The opposite she calls the fleeing position, leaning toward the door or perched on the edge of a seat, which many suspects adopted because they wanted to leave [5]. Robbins draws the lesson that the cues that make you distrust someone are the ones not to display [5].

On voice, which she studied while doing television after leaving the Service, her advice is to talk less and give people your best points, use a stronger, deeper tone, and use pauses [5]. She works from a few bullet points and never a script, because fewer points leave attention free to notice how she sounds [5]. She warns against phrases like saying you will just hurry up, which tell listeners your words do not matter. Presidents and world leaders, she observed, never raced [5].

She supplies two checks on the whole enterprise. She says research on body language goes back and forth, and of whether it matters she says, "It's true and it's not true." [5] And she warns about the overt charmer: a detective who obtained a notorious confession told her that the person working hard to ingratiate himself is the one to watch [5].

Her advice for nerves is to act anyway. Bravery comes through action, she says; it is fine to walk into a meeting afraid, and it helps to become focused on the purpose of the meeting instead of on yourself [5]. When someone else seems off, her rule is "First, don't make it about you." [5]

Where They Agree, and Where They Don't

A good impression is behavior, and behavior can be learned. Van Edwards's cues, Pearlman's routine, Terrence J's tricks and Poumpouras's alignment and voice are all things a person does, and each of the four describes learning them [1][2][3][4][5].

The other person's comfort comes first in time. Pearlman defuses the unspoken questions before he performs [3]. Terrence J breaks the barrier before he interviews [4]. Poumpouras shows the person they matter [5]. Van Edwards wants people to be easy to talk to before they are impressive [1].

Names carry warmth. The popular students greeted people by name, Pearlman has a system for keeping names, and Terrence J will not risk mispronouncing one [2][3][4].

A lower, slower voice reads as authority. Van Edwards and Poumpouras say this independently [1][2][5].

Preparation is legitimate. Pearlman and Terrence J both research people and prepare lines [3][4]. Van Edwards recommends preparing answers to the questions you are always asked [1].

They diverge on some points, mostly for reasons of setting.

Direct or angled. Poumpouras praises a straight approach and squared shoulders [5]. Pearlman came to tables at an angle [3]. He was a stranger interrupting a meal, where a head-on approach can feel like a threat; she is describing a host greeting a guest and a meeting between people who have agreed to talk. The sources suggest an angle for the cold approach and full frontal attention once you are in conversation.

Charm. Van Edwards teaches cues that make a person more engaging [1][2]. Poumpouras says the person trying hardest to charm is the one she watches [5]. The two can be squared through Van Edwards's own point that warmth cannot be faked for long, and that cues are for showing qualities you have [1]. Poumpouras's test is harmony between words, body and energy; charm that runs ahead of behavior fails it [5].

Script or no script. Pearlman spent months on one sentence [3]. Poumpouras refuses to memorize [5]. One is preparing a single opening; the other is talking about speaking at length, where a script leaves no attention for delivery.

Liked by whom. Van Edwards tries to be the first to like everyone [2]. Terrence J says trying to be loved by everyone is a trap [4]. Showing liking and needing approval are different acts, and Van Edwards herself says being liked is not always the goal [1].

Whether body language can be trusted. Van Edwards reads toes, shoulders and hands with confidence [2]. Poumpouras, trained in detecting deception, says the research is mixed and treats cues as information to weigh against a person's own baseline [5].

Why It Works

People are answering two questions fast. Trust and reliability are what Van Edwards says a newcomer is being assessed for, and Pearlman's list of what diners wondered about a boy at their table is the same assessment in plainer words [1][3].

Signals are the only evidence available at the start. Until someone has seen your work, posture, hands, voice and words stand in for it, which is why under-signaling hides real ability [1].

The body is believed over the words. Van Edwards says a gesture outweighs a contradictory word, and Poumpouras looks for whether words and body match [2][5].

Posture works on the person holding it. In Van Edwards's account, hunching tells your own brain there is danger and sets off the dry mouth and short breath that make things worse; opening up reverses it [2].

Liking is returned. The study she cites found that the best-liked students were the ones who liked the most people and showed it [2].

Attention is what a name requires. Pearlman's point is that the name was never taken in, because the listener was thinking about what to say next [3].

Fewer points free attention for delivery. Poumpouras's reasoning for bullet points is about mental load [5].

Where It Applies, and Where It Doesn't

Signals show what is there; they do not create it. Van Edwards says neither warmth nor competence can be faked for long, and Pearlman says an opening only buys a chance to deliver [1][3].

Context decides which signal fits. An angled approach suits interrupting strangers; squared attention suits a conversation already under way [3][5]. A whispered joke to a president suited Terrence J and that moment [4].

Not everyone reads or sends cues the same way. Poumpouras lists shyness, ADHD and autism among the reasons a person's eye contact differs, and tells people not to judge it [5].

Do not use cues to accuse. Her second rule is never to call people out on what you notice; the information is for your own decisions [5].

Pick what suits you. Van Edwards says to try a cue three times in three situations and drop it if it still feels ridiculous [2].

Some of the evidence is one researcher's account of studies, and some is experience. Poumpouras says outright that several of her own cues have no research behind them [5].

Nerves do not disappear. Terrence J still freezes around one man, and Poumpouras says to walk in afraid if you must [4][5].

What To Do With It

1. Before you walk in, open your posture. Shoulders down and away from the ears, arms off your sides, and if you check your phone, hold it up and out [2].

2. Keep your hands where they can be seen. Out of pockets and above the table, and greet with them [2].

3. Do the homework. Know the person's latest work and one thing you have in common [3][4].

4. Approach according to the setting. Come in at an angle and give a short time limit if you are interrupting; face the person squarely once you are talking [3][5].

5. Settle their unspoken questions first. Say who you are and why you are there, and acknowledge their situation before you ask for anything [3].

6. Hold eye contact on purpose, including while they speak. Use it to show attention, and do not read their own eye contact as proof of anything [5].

7. Get the name. Listen, say it twice, and tie it to something. If you cannot pronounce it, ask [3][4].

8. Show that you like them. Say so, greet by name, or admit something small about yourself [2].

9. Lower and slow your voice. Speak at the bottom of your natural range, pause, and never announce that you will hurry [1][2][5].

10. Bring a few points, not a script. Prepare one opening line and your answers to the questions you always get [1][3][5].

11. Match their energy and stop early. Leave them wanting more [3].

12. Go in to accomplish something, not to be approved of. Focus on the purpose of the meeting, and remember that someone else's odd mood is usually not about you [4][5].

Sources

1. Vanessa Van Edwards on Loneliness in the Age of AI and the Three Levels of Real Connection · The School of Greatness
2. Vanessa Van Edwards on Body Language, Likability, and the ABCD Exercise for Confidence and Energy · The Mel Robbins Podcast
3. Mentalist Oz Pearlman on Reading People, Memorable First Impressions and Beating the Fear of Rejection · The Mel Robbins Podcast
4. How to Connect with Presidents, Royalty & World-Class Celebrities with Terrence J · The School of Greatness
5. Evy Poumpouras on Reading People, Spotting Lies, and Staying Steady Around Difficult People · The Mel Robbins Podcast