Be your partner's biggest fan: the case for seeing them generously
October 9, 2026 · 27 min read
Andrew Huberman describes positive delusion as one of the core circuits of lasting bonds, Paul Eastwick finds that perceived similarity matters more than actual similarity, divorce lawyer James Sexton urges couples to be each other's biggest fan and remember their greatest hits, and the Robbinses make 'you're my favorite person' their first lesson. A deliberately generous view of a partner appears to protect a relationship more than an accurate one.
The rules, numbers and steps worth keeping in front of you.
- Huberman: positive delusion, the belief that only this person makes you feel this way, predicts long-term attachment.
- Gottman research (via Huberman): the four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce, with a reported 94% prediction accuracy.
- Watch for contempt signs: eye rolls, irritation at your partner's enthusiasm, and the dismissive "what?" Sexton calls the surest indicator of divorce.
- Eastwick: perceived similarity predicts attraction. Actual similarity moves match predictions only from 50-50 to about 53-47.
- Eastwick: first impressions are usually middling and settle into a stable impression over roughly the first month.
- Being attracted to others is not a problem for the average relationship. Escalation is: repeated time together and secret conversations (Eastwick).
- Sexton: disconnection happens slowly, then all at once. Raise the small thing early.
- Sexton: be honest but not bluntly candid. Praise the dress that works instead of attacking the one that doesn't.
- The Robbinses' test: can you say "you're my favorite person" and mean it? Are you treating them that way?
- Hide notes and leave small tokens. They cost nothing and are high value (Sexton, Chris Robbins).
- Mel Robbins: you married the eight-year-old version of your partner, so reframe flaws as old wounds.
- Weekly rituals (Robbinses): a Sunday calendar meeting, short walks two or three times a week, and sharing highs and lows over meals.
- Huberman: build self-regulation and self-worth outside the relationship so praise adds to them rather than replacing them.
- Safety issues override all of this, so seek a qualified professional. For stuck patterns, see a couples therapist.
This is the short form. The full insight has every expert's reasoning, their own words and the sources.