Be your partner's biggest fan: the case for seeing them generously
Andrew Huberman describes positive delusion as one of the core circuits of lasting bonds, Paul Eastwick finds that perceived similarity matters more than actual similarity, divorce lawyer James Sexton urges couples to be each other's biggest fan and remember their greatest hits, and the Robbinses make 'you're my favorite person' their first lesson. A deliberately generous view of a partner appears to protect a relationship more than an accurate one.
What is "positive delusion" in Huberman's model? Show answer
The belief that only this particular person can make you feel this way. He calls it one of three bonding circuits and says it predicts long-term attachment.
Which of the Gottmans' four horsemen is the strongest predictor of divorce? Show answer
Contempt. Huberman describes it as the opposite of both empathy and positive delusion.
What did the self-expansion study find about a partner's praise? Show answer
Participants who heard their partner call them terrific showed lower activation in brain areas that assess others' attractiveness. Without that praise, attractive faces looked more attractive.
What is the catch in that self-expansion finding? Show answer
People who depend heavily on one partner for their self-worth are more open to alternatives, which makes the bond unstable.
According to Eastwick, which predicts attraction better: perceived or actual similarity? Show answer
Perceived similarity. Actual similarity barely improves predictions, from 50-50 to about 53-47 at best.
What is the "derogation of alternatives"? Show answer
Happy partners tend to rate attractive alternatives as less desirable than they really are. This protects the relationship.
What does Sexton call the surest indicator of a divorce? Show answer
A sound: the dismissive "what?" of someone bothered that their partner is talking.
How does Sexton keep generosity from becoming dishonesty? Show answer
He separates honesty from candor. Never misrepresent facts, but choose to emphasise the true things that flatter.
What are the two ways Mel Robbins uses "you're my favorite person"? Show answer
As a test: if you never felt it, you're in the wrong relationship. As a lifeline: if it faded, life has hardened you, and you should start treating them like your favorite person again.
What does "you married the eight-year-old" mean? Show answer
A partner's frustrating habits often come from childhood. Chris's silence, for example, came from growing up unheard as the youngest in a busy family. Remembering this softens resentment.
When does the generous view not apply? Show answer
When there is an emotional or physical safety issue. Then you should seek a qualified professional or support service rather than reframing.