Be your partner's biggest fan: the case for seeing them generously

Yes, it pays to be your partner's biggest fan. Four very different sources reach the same practice: decide to see your partner generously, and keep doing it on purpose. None of them argues for blindness. Each treats generosity as a skill you hold alongside clear eyes about flaws, safety and your own needs.

Andrew Huberman draws on Helen Fisher's research. He names positive delusion, the belief that only this person can make you feel this way, as one of three core bonding circuits, alongside the autonomic nervous system and empathy. He says it predicts long-term attachment. Its opposite is contempt, which shows up as eye rolls or irritation at a partner's enthusiasm. In John and Julie Gottman's research, contempt is the strongest of four behaviours that predict divorce. Huberman also describes a study in which hearing a partner's warm praise made attractive outsiders register as less attractive. The same work warns that people who rely on a partner for all their self-worth are more open to alternatives.

Psychologist Paul Eastwick finds that feeling similar to someone predicts attraction, while objectively measured similarity barely does. People who like each other look for what they share, decide those things matter, and dismiss the differences. The happiest couples do this most. Happy partners also rate attractive alternatives as less desirable than they really are. Eastwick doubts that the crowd's view of a person is more accurate than a partner's own, so the generous view may simply reflect more information.

Divorce lawyer James Sexton says marriages usually fail through slow disconnection rather than cheating or money. The couples who last are each other's fans: they never trash-talk each other and they take each other's side. His surest sign of divorce is a sound, the irritated "what?" of someone bothered that their partner is talking. He keeps generosity honest by choosing which true things to emphasise, never misrepresenting facts. He also remembers former partners by their greatest hits.

Mel and Chris Robbins nearly lost their marriage during a decade of debt and job losses. They made Sexton's four words, "you're my favorite person," their first lesson. Mel uses the phrase as a test: if you never felt it, you're in the wrong relationship. She also uses it as a lifeline: if the feeling faded, life has hardened you, and the task is to start treating your partner that way again. Chris has hidden Post-it notes for her for years. Mel softens her view of his flaws by remembering that she married the eight-year-old version of him.

The sources differ in emphasis. Huberman embraces the word delusion. Sexton and the Robbinses describe a charitable reading of accurate facts. Sexton also insists that you let yourself be seen honestly. Huberman stresses that admiration only adds to a stable sense of self and cannot replace it. After a betrayal, generous remembering may take years.

So, in practice: ask whether you can mean those four words, and whether you act like it. Catch your dismissive sounds and eye rolls. Leave small notes. Praise true things. Reframe irritating habits as old wounds. Keep weekly rituals, and build your own ability to self-regulate.

This approach is not a reason to explain away mistreatment. If safety is in question, speak to a qualified professional or support service. If patterns feel stuck, see a couples therapist, as the Robbinses did for five years. When tempted to snap, remember Mel's line: "you can be tired and still be kind."